Baldur's Gate II: Irenicus's Worst Nightmare
by Moczo
Summary: Update! Our heroes embark on their quest to destroy the vampire Bodhi! And, wonders abound, KORGAN GETS TO GO FIND HIS BOOK!
1. My money is worth more than hers!

            Disclaimer: I don't own Baldur's Gate II, as you may have guessed.

Syrina stood over the body of her dead half-brother Sarevok and stared at her companions. Minsc (and Boo), Jaheira, Imoen, Khalid, Viconia, Edwin, Garrick, and Ulga the Barbarian, her half-sister.

            She took a deep breath. "I… don't get it. At all. There's only supposed to be 6 of us, including me. There's 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 **9** of us! And that doesn't even include Boo."

            Boo squeaked.

            "And I just want to say… I hate you ALL. Especially… ULGA THE BARBARIAN."

            She glared at the half-orc, not even attempting to disguise the hatred she felt for the Bhaalspawn. "We have tried EVERYTHING to get you to DIE, yet it NEVER WORKS. We've sent you alone to defeat legions of undead, pushed you off cliffs, gotten you lost in dungeons, sent you alone after an adult dragon, we've poisoned you, hit you with instant death spells, chopped your head off, and beaten your skull in, yet YOU ALWAYS LIVE. HOW?! MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY?!"

            "Ulga the Barbarian was good," Ulga the Barbarian said, "Ulga the Barbarian crush silly Sarevok man!"

            "AFTER I ALREADY KILLED HIM!" Syrina roared, looking down at Sarevok's crushed skull.

            "Which begs the question how you alone killed him," Imoen mused.

            "SHUT UP!"

            "Yes ma'am."

            "Anyhow," Syrina said, calming down, "I am going off to buy a tropical island and live there… ALONE… for the rest of my-"

            A group of cloaked figures ran in, knocked Syrina, Ulga the Barbarian, Jaheira, Imoen, and Minsc out, killed Khalid, and dragged them all the Amn.

Viconia, Edwin, and Garrick looked at each other, shrugged, and walked after them.

                                                *            *            *

            Syrina woke up much later in a large cage. The elf fighter/mage, once her vision cleared, stood up, glancing around. She saw Ulga the Barbarian locked in a cage adjacent to hers, still out cold. Minsc and Jaheira were stuck in cages, perfectly awake and engaging in a happy conversation.

            In front of her stood a short man. "Ah, the Child of Bhaal has awoken. It is time for more… experiments." 

            "What sort of experiments?" Syrina asked.

            "What happens if I set you on fire?" he asked.

            "I think I know what'll happen," Syrina replied.

            The man cast a quick fire spell.   
            "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

            "Hmmm... So you light on fire," he observed thoughtfully, writing it down on a notepad, "And you burn, too! Interesting…"

            Stopping, dropping, and rolling, she put out the fires, **only** getting 3rd degree burns.

            "The pain will only be passing, you should survive the process," he said, "Now, let's se… hmmm…" he handed her a light-bulb, "Let's see if I can get it to light up!" he hit her with a bolt of lighting.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

            "Oh, it DOES light up!" he shouted in glee, clapping his hands as Syrina passed out.

            "Interesting, you have much untapped power," he said to her as she woke back up. "Now, we have to see how long it takes you to survive if we poison you!"

            "I don't like that idea," she whimpered as she was killed.

            Using a Rod of Resurrection, he brought her back to life. "Do you even realize your potential?"

            "**More intruders have entered the complex, Master**," said a deep, monotone-voiced golem.

            "They act sooner than we had anticipated. No matter, they will only prove a slight delay," 

            "Were there any intruders in the first place?" Syrina asked.

            "No," 

            "Ah. But wait! How can there be **more**?"

            He shrugged, then cast a transportation spell.

            Imoen broke free of her cage due to an explosion and raced into the room of the dungeon holding Syrina. Glancing around warily, she ran over to Syrina's cage and opened it using her limited thief skills. "Hey you, we've got to get out of here!"

            "Imoen…? What are we doing here?"

            "I dunno… we got jumped near Baldur's Gate,"

            "How did you get out of your cage?"

            "The fight going up on the surface knocked over my cage… but I don't know if I could do it again. This pain in my head…"

            "My head pain is the least of my problems," Syrina said darkly, gesturing to her burns, 'Anyhow—who else is here?"

            "Minsc, Jaheira, and Ulga the Barbarian,"

            After a moment's thought, Syrina ran towards the exit and said, "Let's go!"

            "Ooooo, it's Ulga the Barbarian's sister Surin-in-ima!" shouted Ulga the Barbarian. She broke out of the cage by bending the metal bars, and ran out to embrace her sister in a rib-cracking hug.

            After repeatedly kicking her shins and ramming her fist into Ulga the Barbarian's stomach, she was released from the Hug of Death.

            She gave Ulga the Barbarian the yui glare of death and continued trying to leave.

            "Wait! Surin-in-ima is leaving Ulga the Barbarian's friends Minsc, Boo, and Jaheririra behind!" Ulga the Barbarian proclaimed.

            "SHUT UP!" Syrina shouted.

            "You two are nuts," Imoen said with a chuckle, thankful that SHE wasn't related to these nutcases. Nope, she was definitely NOT related. Not at all. There was no chance in Hell that SHE was a Bhaalspawn. Definitely not.

            "Ulga the Barbarian will go free Minsc and Jaheririra as Ulga the Barbarian's sister Surin-in-ima plots way for Ulga the Barbarian and Imoen and Minsc and Boo and Jaheriria and Syrin-in-ima to go free!" Ulga the Barbarian shouted, turning to go free Minsc.

            Syrina began crying.

            The ranger warrior Minsc was also locked in a melded-shut cage.

            "Argh! Minsc will be free! These bonds will not hold my wrath! Butts will be liberally kicked and in good measure!" Minsc roared, trying hard to move the bars.

            "Ulga the Barbarian's friend Minsc is funny."

            Minsc suddenly looked nervous. 'Er, uh, Minsc and Boo will defeat evil IN the cage. Ulga the Barbarian can go away now," he said, hiding in the back of the cage, as far away from the half-orc as possible.

            "Ulga the Barbarian's friend Minsc is VERY funny! Makes Ulga the Barbarian laugh!" Ulga the Barbarian said, grabbing the door in one hand and cleanly ripping it off its' hinges.

            Syrina, standing behind Ulga the Barbarian, sighed. "C'mon Minsc. There's no fighting Ulga: I know, I've tried."

            Minsc also sighed. "Boo tells me that I should go because he is busy thinking of a sinister plan to kill her."

            "Tell Boo I hope he succeeds, but I doubt he will." Syrina replied as Ulga the Barbarian ran off to free Jaheira.

            "Boo says not to doubt him: he may be small, but he's an evil hamster."

            "Somehow I don't doubt that."

            "Quickly, we must get out of here before whoever did this returns. I swear," Jaheira chuckled, "travelling with you is never dull."

            Syrina sighed again. She had hoped to escape being the only one alive, but since all the others were free…

            "Group huddle!" she announced, "Not you, Ulga the Barbarian, go off and, uh, scout for evil."

            "Okay. Ulga the Barbarian will crush evil while Ulga the Barbarian's sister holds meeting with friends," the half-orc proclaimed, walking off.

            "Okay," Syrina said after Ulga the Barbarian was out of hearing range, "We are FINALLY going to kill her."

            "And how are we gonna do that?" Imoen asked, "We've been trying to ditch her since we left Candlekeep."

            "Yeah, yeah, I know. But with the minds of Boo and me at work, we should be able to think of something different."

            The miniature giant space hamster squeaked, Minsc nodded, then translated, "Boo says we push her into fighting something dangerous."

            "We've done that," Imoen said.

            "How about we push her off a cliff?"

            "We've done that too."

            "Curse her?"

            "We've done that."

            "I'm a druid!" Jaheira proclaimed.

            "… that's nice. Have we tried poison? I forget."

            "Yup."

            "Boo has another idea," Minsc announced, "He says we tie her in a chair and force her to listen to Garrick to be a bard."

            Syrina turned to Imoen, "Have we tried that?"

            "Nope."

            "Okay, let's get out of here and find Garrick."

            "Ulga the Barbarian is back," said she.

            "Did Ulga- er, did you defeat the evil?" Imoen asked.

            "Yup, Ulga the Barbarian defeated all the evil in the evil dungeon with Ulga the Barbarian does not like." 

            "… you mean, you killed EVERYTHING?" Syrina exclaimed.

            "Except for funny thief man and pretty naked ladies. They is Ulga the Barbarian's friends!"

            "'Thief Man'? 'Naked ladies'?"

            "I don't care about the thief man, but I want to meet the ladies," Minsc said before Jaheira hit him over the head with a frying pan.

In crawled Yoshimo, bounty hunter. "So, there is sanity in all this madness! If you are not in league with the evil that dwells in this unholy place, Yoshimo begs your assistance."

            "Of course we do not work with evil, but Boo is curious as to who you are," Minsc said.

            "I am Yoshimo, and I am going to betray you in the distant future."

            "…"

            "I'm a druid!" Jaheira said.

            "…"

            "Just ignore her," Syrina advised, "She went through a traumatic experience with another half brother of mine named Abdel." ******

            "…hey, I remember travelling with him. As I recall, I was murdered by you," he said, looking at Imoen, "After you had turned into an evil demonic being. It was a nice death scene, actually… you impaled my back and ripped me to shreds."

            "…"

            "Isn't that nice." Syrina commented. 

            Imoen threw up.

            "Anyhow. Can I follow you out like the cheap scum I am?" Yoshimo asked.

            "You don't have very high self esteem," Syrina pointed out. 

            "That happens to you when you're employed by a psycho wizard who always threatens to kill you and obliterate the planet," he replied. "Anyhow, the exit is this way," he said, pointing in a direction.

            "We don't have to worry about any villains," Minsc said darkly, "Ulga the Barbarian's already killed all of them."

            "Isn't that just swell… is that a rabbit?"

            "It's a hamster. This is Boo. Boo, this is Yoshimo," Minsc said, holding up the golden-and-white hamster. There was a pause, and Minsc said, "Boo doesn't like you."

            "Maybe because Boo was paying attention when I said that I was going to betray you," Yoshimo suggested.

            "I guess so."

            "Can we go now?" Imoen said. "I don't like this place. It's too darn creepy. I really want out of here…"

· * *

            Due to the fact that there **were** no enemies, the happy little group easily made it out of the dungeon without any problems. In fact, the only living beings that they ran into were the "naked ladies". They were, actually, not naked, just scantily clad.

            "Help!" one shrieked. "Help us!"

            "Who the heck are you? Why aren't you wearing any pants?!" Syrina demanded.

            "We're the Dryads," said another, with a look of bliss that is associated with being high, "We live in TREES! Heehee…"

            "Oooooo…" Imoen squealed, "I always used to dream of Dryads and their beautiful trees…"

             "Say something and die," Jaheira told Minsc quickly.

            "We're Irenicus' )*#&%)*# concubines! I'M #*()%&# SICK OF BEING HIS #%)(*&#% WHORE!" screamed the third dryad.

            "Oh, woe is me!" wailed the first. "I am reduced to a slave, while my other dryad sisters are FREE! With the trees!"

            "Yeah man," said the second, "Trees. Hug the trees, peace man!"

            "ONCE I FIND THAT @%)(&#% #%(*^#$ IRENICUS, I AM GOING TO #%()*%#  BEAT HIM INTO SUBCONCIOUSNESS WITH A #%*() BLUNT OBJECT, BREAK EVERY BONE IN HIS )#*%& BODY, CHOP OFF EVERY ONE OF HIS  LIMBS WITH A RUSTY KNIFE, DRENCH HIS %^(#)&% TORSO IN GASOLINE AND *()#%^ **SET** **HIM** **ON** **FIRE**! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

            "…"

            "I'll help!" Syrina said happily.

            "I'm a druid!" Jaheira proclaimed.

            "Ulga like dryad people! Ulga go help naked ladies kill mean wizard man!" Ulga shouted.

            "Here," the first one sobbed, "Take these acorns, and give them to our Dryad queen. She will plant them, and we'll be free!"

            "Dude, free, man." The second said.

            "…"

            "Okay," Syrina said, taking the three acorns and plopping them into her sack.

                                                            * * *

            At the exit of his evil lair of death, Irenicus stood, easily massacring many thieves, while the people of Amn, rather used to such odd happenings, continued on their daily lives.

            Irenicus, content with blowing up his thirtieth thief, turned to face the gang.

            "So, God-child, you have escaped," he said, sounding pissed, "You are more resourceful than I had thought."

            "If you have any plans at all," Syrina said, "Any malicious, evil plots, take her," she said, pointing at Ulga, "After all, it WAS her who got us out of your dungeon."

            Irenicus looked confused. "You mean, you WANT me to take her to steal her soul and bring myself back into a position to gain immortality?"

            "If it'll get rid of her, yes!"

            "…"

            "You're not going to torture us any longer!" Imoen blurted out of nowhere.

            "… Huh?  OH!  Torture?  Silly girl, you just don't understand what I'm doing, do you?"

            "No."

            "…  Well, I'm… HEY!  I'm the villain!  I don't have to tell my plot to you!  And besides, that's not your line!"

            "Ahem. I don't care what you're doing, just let us go!" Imoen whined.

            "Oh sure, WHINE me to death why don't you." Irenicus said, "And I'm not going to let you go, not when I am so close to unlocking your power."

            "I'm a druid!" Jaheira shouted.

            "We don't want anything from you," Imoen replied (to Irenicus) coldly, and hit him with a  magic missile spell.

            "… that was really weak, man. I AM THE GREAT LORD IRENICUS! I'm special, and I'm the best mage in the world." said he.

            "Ha ha! I am Elminster, and I just got back from Hell!" proclaimed Elminster, popping out of nowhere. "And I am the greatest mage of all time!" He then blew Irenicus to pieces easily.

            "…CUT!"

            "We don't want anything from you," Imoen replied coldly, hitting him with a magic missile.

            "This is a unsanctioned use of magical energy!" boomed a cowled figure (dum dum dum!), transporting in, along with three others. "All involved will be held: this disturbance is over."

            "Must I be interrupted at every turn?! Enough of this!" Irenicus roared, and blew them all up.

            The only surviving one looked around. "Uh… this isn't how it was supposed to work… (cough) This mage's power is immense! We… I… must overcome him quickly! Alone! Nuts."

            "You can take me, but you must take the girl as well!" Irenicus boomed.

            The cowled wizard looked as if a god had walked down from heaven and handed him the keys to Faerun, along with a check for a million dollars. "Oh! Okay. I can do that. You're not lying to me, are you?"

            "No." Irenicus said, pointing at Imoen.

            "Take her!" Imoen shouted, pointing at Syrina. 

            "No, her!" Syrina shouted, pointing at Ulga. "Weren't you listening to me before?!"

            "No, I want Imoen, I'm pretty sure of that. She's a pansy." Irenicus pointed out.

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! DON'T LET THEM TAAAAAAAAAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Imoen screamed as she was transported away.

            "…well. That was… interesting."  Yoshimo said. 

            "Let's go the Copper Coronet!" Jaheira said. 

            "Why?" 

            "Because I said so. And because that's the only place we CAN go. TO THE SLUMS!"

                                                * * *

            "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! Well, how-dee! I be Gaelyn Bayle!" shouted a lunatic as the troupe entered into the slums. "I can be helpin' ya find yer Imoen, I can I can! I work for the SHADOW THEIVES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

            "I thought Shadow Thieves were supposed to be stealthy," Yoshimo commented.

            Syrina grabbed Gaelyn by the collar. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW?"

            "Wow, sisterly love," Minsc said.

            "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT IMOEN! I WANT IRENICUS! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE **HER**!" she screamed, pointing at Ulga.

            "Well, you be payin' me 20 thousand buck-er-oos, and I be getting ya Irenicus! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

            "20 thousand?!" 

            "I'll make it 15."

            "Deal."

            "But only after you already have 20!"

            "Huh?!"

            "Go to the Copper Coronet to be earnin ya some money!" Gaelyn said, pointing them in the direction of the tavern, "My house is up there! See ya round! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he shouted, and ran off towards his home.

            "…"

            Walking into the copper coronet, Jaheira instantly found herself at mace point.

            "YOU DARE TO ENTER INTO THIS PLACE?! I AM ANOMEN  DELRYN! KNIGHT OF THE **O**RDER!" shouted he.

            "Go away," Jaheira replied, pushing the sword away and walking by.

            "You there! Cute elf in the armor! Are you brave, or a coward?!" 

            "Go away," Syrina said.

            "You must be brave to speak so boldly to a knight of the ORDER!" Anomen proclaimed. "Are you evil, or good then, milady?"

            "Go away before I take that mace, beat that fake romance-novel accent, and shove the whole thing down your throat."

            "…well, if you speak so bravely to knight of the ORDER without worrying about the evil that may come of it… or something like that… you must be good, I guess… I'LL FOLLOW YOU AROUND FOREVER!"

"WHAT?!"  
             "Oy, I'm Korgan the evil dwarf!" said Korgan, the evil dwarf. "I want ye to be helpin me to get me book back!"

            "No," 

            "I'll be followin' ye around anyway!"  said Korgan.

            "WHAT?"

          "Hi!" said a girl, walking up, "I'm Nalia. My keep is under attack, and I desperately-"

            Nalia was pushed out of the way by a man. "I am called Lord Jierdan Fiercrag! My money is worth more than hers, so you should come save MY keep!"

            "What?! No, save MINE!" Nalia shouted, pushing him back.

            "MINE!"  
            "MINE!"

            "MINE!"

            "MINE!"

            "DIE, BITCH!"  
            "YOU FIRST!"

            The two got into a cat fight, which escalated into a bar brawl involving everyone in the bar beating the crap out of each other for no reason.

            The group of adventurers sweat dropped. Out of the bar fight emerged Nalia, who then ran over and began begging them to go save her keep.

            "We'll go save both," Minsc declared, "Butt-kicking for goodness!"

            "Of course, the **O**rder would be able to save BOTH keeps at ONCE, **while** saving everyone else in the world!" Anomen declared.

            "Tell me now why I don't kill you," Syrina growled.

            "Because WE ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER!" Anomen declared again.

            "…" 

            Syrina pulled out her _Guide to Baldur's Gate II_. "…aw, shit. He's right! He's the only single guy… waaaaaah…"

            "Haha."  Korgan laughed, "I be single! A single evil dwarf, I be! Ha ha!"

            Minsc was introducing Boo to Nalia as Syrina continued flipping through her players guide. "…what about the bard guy? He's got blue hair…"

            "He also is from another dimension. And he's a bard." Jaheira pointed out. "Much like I'm a druid!"

            "Would you people please save my keep?" Nalia pleaded, "I'm always helping out you poor pitiful adventurous folk! I'll pay EACH of you 20 MILLION DOLLARS!"

            "I'LL PAY EACH OF YOU 50 MILLION DOLLARS TO SAVE **MY** KEEP!" Fiercrag screamed.

            "We will save both your keeps for FREE." Minsc said.

            Both Nalia and Jierdan looked like Christmas had come early.

            Boo squeaked something and then began slashing Minsc's face.

            "YOU MORON!" everyone else in the party screamed.

                                    ***

            "So, what exactly are we defending your keep from?" Syrina asked, not particularly caring.

            "Aye! It is good to adventure in such a place! The blood quickens knowing that evil is so near!" Anomen declared.

            "… we're in the middle of a sun-soaked corn field." Jaheira pointed out. "There's not much evil here."

            "…oh. Well, the **O**rder should smite this field for being evil." Anomen huffed.

            "I can't tell you what exactly is attacking my keep until we're there," Nalia said. 

            "Where are we?"  Jaheira asked.

            "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" screamed a voice. 

            "We're in the government district. Oh look! There's an execution! Let's go watch!" Korgan said cheerfully. "I be an evil dwarf!"

            "And I'm a druid!" Jaheira agreed.

            "BURN THE DROW!" shouted a group of commoners surrounding a drow, who was tied to a stick.

            "Why should we burn this elf?" asked the main person.

            "Because she's a drow?" asked one.

            "How can we be sure she's a drow?" asked the main person.

            "Well, she's got pointy ears, black skin, she's evil, got white hair, and she's a bloody drow!" replied another.

            "Are you really a drow?" asked the main person.

            "No. They dressed me up like this," Viconia said in a bored tone.

            "See?"

            "She's a drow!"

            "Now, there's only one way to tell if she's a drow." said the main person, " What do you do with drow?"

            "You burn them!"

            "Massacre them!"

            "Incinerate them!"

            "Rape them!" shouted a clock figure in the audience. That earned the glare of death from Viconia. "Er, maybe not."

            "We'll just say you burn them." The main person said, looking nervous. Syrina and her loyal group of followers joined the crowd then, easily spotted by Viconia. 

            "HEY, STUPID! DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME? SAVE MY LIFE, YOU PATHETIC ELVEN _RIVVIN_!" Viconia screamed.

            "I'll save you!" said the lone cloaked figure, throwing off said clock.  "These are my whirling scimitars of death! Which I… borrowed… from Drizzt Do'Urden!"

            "Hey, you look like me!" Syrina shouted at the lone elf.

            "…no, you look like me!" the elf argued back.

            Behind him stood Syrina's entire party, except… they weren't hers. 

            "Hey, you have my party with you!" the elf shouted.

            "No, you have my party with you!"

            "SOMEONE HELP ME!" Viconia shouted. 

            "Who the hell are you?" Syrina asked.

            The elf struck a pose. "I am Elfangor, fighter thief, and child of Bhaal! Who are you?"

            "I'm Syrina, fighter mage. Child of Bhaal…"

            There was a bright flash of light, and when it faded, the two parties had combined into one, everyone remembering travelling with both Bhaalspawn. 

            "I was raised by Gorion in the tomes of Candlekeep, until he was murdered by my half-brother Sarevok!" Syrina said.

            "Hey, so was I!" Elfangor exclaimed.

            "Nyuh-uh!"

            "Uh-huh!"

            "Have you had an evil half orc abomination hanging around?" Syrina inquired.

            Elfangor's look instantly got dark. "You mean Koorgo the Mighty?"

            "Well, I have Ulga the Barbarian."

            "I've tried everything!" Elfangor sobbed as Koorgo the Mighty, half-orc barbarian, helped out the "silly black pointy-eared lady". "Poison, backstabbing, traps, cliffs, dragons, dungeons… HE JUST WON'T DIE!"

            "I KNOW, I KNOW!" Syrina sobbed as well. The two elven Bhaalspawn began sobbing on each other's shoulders. 

            Elfangor regained his composure. "Ahem. I, Elfangor Adrian (damn you Abdel)******, Son of Bhaal, will single handedly save this poor, innocent, ***coughhotcough*** helpless drow!"

            "I'm already saved," Viconia pointed out.

            "Shut up, you're not now. I will single handedly save this drow! Ah-ha!"

            "Whatever." Said a nameless faceless crowd member. "Hey… where's my wallet?!"

            "Hey! Mine's gone too!"

            "Where's my watch?"

            "My necklace! It was a family heirloom!"

            Elfangor looked a little bashful. 

            "HEY! IT'S THAT ELF! HE'S A BLOODY THIEF!"

            "GET HIM!"

            "AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Elfangor screamed, running away from the crowd. 

            "COME BACK HERE!" Syrina shouted, running after him.

            "HEY, YOU GUYS! YOU HAVE TO SAVE MY KEEEEEEEEEEP…!" Nalia shouted, running after them.

            "STOP, IN THE NAME OF THE **O**RDER!" Anomen declared.

            "I'M A DRUID!"

            "AND I BE AN EVIL DWARF!"

            "BOO WANTS YOU TO STOP!"

            "I CAN'T BETRAY YOU IF YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND!" Yoshimo shouted.

            *                                                           *                                                           *

            "Circus!" said Ulga the Barbarian as the troop passed through Waukeen's Promenade. "Ulga likes aminamals!"

            "Koorgo likes Ulga!" declared Koorgo the Mighty.

            "Ulga likes Koorgo!"

            "Ulga and Koorgo like aminamals!"

            "So do I! Because I'm a druid!" Jaheira said.

            "Ulga says that the funny little elf thingies go to the circus."

            "Koorgo agrees with Ulga. Koorgo likes Ulga."

            "And Ulga likes Koorgo!"

            Syrina shrugged. "I don't know why we **can't**…"

            "I HATE ALL HUMANS!" Viconia declared. 

            "Whatever you say," Elfangor said. "Hey, Jaheira, wanna go get a drink at the bar while these other people go to the circus? Viccy, you can join us too," he flashed a huge charismatic smile.               

            Viconia cast silence on him as Jaheira punched him in the face. 

            "Ow… there was no need for that!  I was just implying that I would have no problem at all with taking one or more of you attractive young ladies out for a night on the town, certainly no reason to strike me!"

            "… Didn't I just cast silence on him?" Viconia asked, stupified.  

            "I think it will take more than that to get him to shut up." Jaheira commented sagely.  "Also, I'm a druid!"

            Syrina grabbed all three of them and dragged them along.  "COME ON!  WE'RE GOING TO THE FREAKIN' CIRCUS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"  

            Once the people entered the 10X10ft. circus tent, inside was a massive marble hallway with evil demons roaming around. And then the door was gone.

            "… wow. This is a pretty impressive circus." Nalia commented, "Of course, not as good as the circus in my keep. Which you still have to save."

            "HEEEEEEEEEELP! I'M NOT REALLY A VICOUS OGRE," said a vicious ogre, "I'M REALLY AN ELF! I HAVE WINGS!"

            "You do?"

            "No, actually. I did, but they're gone now. I'm going to kill myself!"

            "…"

            "I'm a druid!" Jaheira proclaimed.

            "I HATE ALL HUMANS!" Viconia proclaimed.

            "I be an evil dwarf!" Korgan exclaimed. 

            "And I thought **my** life was screwed up…" the vicious ogre commented.

            "Don't worry, the **O**rder will save you!" Anomen proclaimed.

            "Are you cute?" Elfangor asked.

            "Uh… I'm an Avariel?" the vicious ogre said.

            "I'LL SAVE YOU!" Elfangor declared, looking through Syrina's copy of the player's guide. 

            "Uh, you have to kill a bunch of peasants, and steal their sword." The vicious ogre instructed.

            "OKAY!" Elfangor shouted, running off.

            "Syr-ir-in-ima? Where are all the funny aminimals?" Ulga the Barbarian inquired.

            Syrina pushed her off the marble pathway and into oblivion, sighing as she remembered that it wouldn't even phase the half-orc.

            "KOORGO IS COMING, ULGA!" Koorgo the Mighty shouted, jumping after her.

            "That makes this so much more simplistic," Syrina said.

            "Things will become more simplistic once I betray you to Irenicus," Yoshimo said helpfully. 

            "Whatever."

            Elfangor ran in, and the ogre sword turned the ogre into Aerie, the elf. 

            "HEY!" someone not in sight shouted, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SWORD?!"

            "WHERE'S MY WALLET?"

            "Oh! I'm free of that evil illusion!" Aerie exclaimed. "Thank you! In my gratitude, I will follow you around forever! I'm a cleric and a mage!"            

            "And elf makes three," Elfangor said with a smirk.    

            "Oh, ye prissy elf! If ye want something to squeal 'bout I'll put ye over me knee and spank ya! At least I'll be havin' fun!" Korgan said.

            "…"

            "Uh, no thanks." Aerie said, looking frightened.

            "That was disturbing," Syrina agreed. 

            "Don't worry, I'll protect you! In the name of **O**rder!" Anomen declared, "Back, evil dwarf! I am Anomen Delryn, Son of Lord Cor and Moirala, Knight of the **O**rder!"

            "Aren't you just a squire?" Yoshimo inquired, looking through the players' guide.

            "…shut up."

            "So why exactly were you an ogre?" Syrina asked Aerie.

            "Well, the gnome illusionist… uh, I forget his name…"

            "That's pretty sad," Jaheira commented.

            "…turned everyone into the circus into something else! And killed almost everyone!"

            "Oh yeah! I remember his name!" Aerie exclaimed, "It was Kalah! No one cared about him, so he turned himself into macho looser man, and he imprisoned us all! The only way to get out now is to kill him!"

            "Yay." Everyone else said in unison.

            "But what about my keep?" Nalia asked, tears coming to her eyes.

                                                            *            *            *

Will the group survive fighting the evil that is Kalah? Whatever happened to Ulga the Barbarian and Koorgo the Mighty? What about Nalia's keep? All of these questions and more will be answered next chapter! ^_^

****** refers to Abdel Adrian from the Baldur's Gate & Baldur's Gate II novelization by Philip Athans. 


	2. Uh, we have a, uh, rat infestation?

Disclaimer:            Other than all three of the novels and all three games, I do not own Baldur's Gate (I, II, or expansion!) in the sense that I am making money off of playing it. Just so you know.   

~ Chapter Two ~

The group, consisting of (in case you forgot) Syrina, Elfangor, Nalia, Aerie, Jaheira, Minsc, Anomen, Korgan, Yoshimo, and Viconia, marched into Kalah's lair. 

            "HAHA! I AM KALAH! I AM EVIL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are all my bitches- er, my beasts. Yes, my beasts!" laughed Kalah, in an unnaturally deep and mysterious voice.

            "Can we kill him?" Viconia asked enthusiastically.

            "Yes." Syrina replied, unsheathing her two-handed broadsword.

Kalah, who was the prime example of a large, burly wrestler growled in a feral way. "You would are not attack me!" he gloated, "I am the great KALAH! AND I HAVE SOME OLD GUY CAPTIVE!"

            The group looked around, eager to build a reputation for caring about their elders. "I don't see any old men," Anomen said with a huff.

            "Heeeeelp!" cried out a voice that, well, sounded much like an old man's.

            "UNCLE QUAYLE?!" Aerie shrieked, looking at a puddle of ooze by Kalah's feet.

            "Hi Aerie! I'm a pile of ooze!" Uncle Quayle proclaimed. "Uh, help."

            "You cannot help him! For I am the almighty-"

            "SHUT UP!" Jaheira screamed, "I AM A DRUID!"

            "Nyuh uh." Syrina said sarcastically.

            "You are whatever you say you are," Elfangor reassured her, patting her on the back.

            Jaheira instantly felt her backpack grow lighter, even though she was holding it in her hands. Once she checked that her wallet was indeed missing, she began beating Elfangor over the head with Anomen's mace, even while Elfangor was pleading his innocence.

            "Uh… okay. Let's fight now, I guess," Nalia said to Kalah.

            "PREPARE TO DIE, FIEND! EVIL CANNOT BE ALOUD TO FESTER!" Aerie shrieked her war cry; pulling out her flail and charging at Kalah like a madwoman.

            Both Anomen and Minsc stared at her in awe. "She'd be good in the ORDER, smiting evil like that," Anomen said to himself at the same time Minsc said to Boo:

            "She'd be an excellent berserker! No, she's too thin. She can be Minsc's witch, yes! What do you think, Boo?"

            "Squeak, squeak, squeakums." _Minsc, you dumb-arse. I can't believe I hang around with you. Oh well, sure, why not._

"YES! BEWARE, EVIL! MINSC SHALL HAVE A WITCH!" Minsc proclaimed, making Kalah look at him as Aerie beat his head in.

            The circus tent faded, leaving our heroes in a NORMAL circus tent, which was fairly small. Lying in front of Aerie (and her flail) was…

            "A gnome! Ha ha! It be a gnome, much as I be an evil dwarf!" Korgan commented.

            "Koorgo like the circus, much like Koorgo like Ulga!" proclaimed Koorgo the Mighty, appearing the center of the tent, with Ulga, of course.

            "Ulga like circus too, also much like Ulga like Koorgo!" Ulga agreed.

            Before Jaheira could proclaim her druid-ness, Syrina beat her on the back of the head with her own club.

            "Argh! I was Kalah the Mighty!" Kalah began.

            "I am Koorgo the Mighty!" proclaimed he.

            "Er, anyhow," Kalah said, his voice fast becoming squeaky. "I was so sick of my life as a funny circus gnome that I used my illusions to take over! And I would've succeeded had it not been for you meddling kids! And your stupid orcs!"

            "Good for you," Syrina said, kicking him.

            "Hey, you guys saved my circus! Now I CAN follow you around! Right, Uncle Quayle?"

            "Right, Aerie," said Uncle Quayle.

            "Joy of joys," Syrina said darkly, walking out of the tent. She grabbed Nalia and began dragging her out of the door. "C'mon, it's finally time to save your goddamn keep."

            "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss!" Nalia exclaimed, jumping up and down exuberantly, even while being dragged.

                                                            *            *            * 

            If Syrina had thought that first that travelling with her little posse was going to be bad, then she could not have fathomed how absolutely awful CAMPING with them would be.

            "Alright then," Syrina began, looking at the forms sitting around the campfire, "Rules. No fighting each other. Absolutely not declaring of your current status."

            "I be an evil dwarf!" Korgan laughed.

            Syrina pulled out her two-handed broadsword and stuck the tip directly at Korgan's throat. "Like that." She said as Korgan gulped. "Anyhow," she continued, beginning to pace, "No robbing people. And leave me alone. Have a nice night." She said, sitting down and pulling out some marshmallows.

            "My Lady," Anomen began, ignoring that last rule (even as Jaheira and Korgan began have an in-depth discussion on what exactly it was like to be an evil dwarf and a druid) "It never ceases to amaze me that you haven't asked me about my adventures."

            "Did it ever occur to you that I don't care?"

            "Of course not. You DO care, and you know it. Because I'm a member of the ORDER! About six years ago I led soldiers in the ORDER against a troop of fire giants! And after my battalion ran away screaming, I single handedly defeated all twenty of them by myself with naught but a cheap mace I bought in someone's garage sale ten years previous! Then…"

            Meanwhile, Nalia was getting a crash course on "What Makes a Good Thief" by Elfangor, while Minsc and Boo were teaching Aerie how to be a berserker and a witch.

Yoshimo was busy contacting Irenicus on his status of betrayal, and Viconia was sitting insulting everyone.

            "… my father was a cheap drunken bastard whom I am ultimately superior too in every fashion, seeing as I am in the ORDER and he is not, my mother is dead, my sister would be perfect except she's not in the ORDER, the ORDER blah blah blah…" Anomen continued.

            "Okay. To be a good thief, you need to be able to be charismatic enough to get out of when people catch you. Of course, the entire point is that no one should be able to catch you…" Elfangor was saying.

            Nalia looked off into the distance. "Ack! A beggar!" Nalia proclaimed, "Since I am generous and thus better than all of you, I have to help that beggar!"

            Nalia grabbed Syrina's purse (which she was using as a squeezie so that she wouldn't try to rip Anomen's head off, which was the thought she was entertaining at that time) and handed it to the lone beggar. "Mister Beggar, I don't know what you're doing in the middle of nowhere, but here! Have this 3,000 GP that isn't even mine!" Nalia said as the others just stared at her, dumbfounded.

            "Hey, thanks. Oh, by the way, my name is Lord Jierden Firkraag, and I'm reminding you that you need to save my keep!" said he, giving a peace sign and continuing back to his keep.

            "…jerk." Nalia muttered right before Syrina grabbed Anomen's mace and began beating her senseless.

            Elfangor shook his head. "Hopeless." He muttered, going to go flirt with Viconia.

                                                *            *            *

            "So what's in your keep, anyhow?" Syrina asked the next day as the group stood outside of the D'Arnise keep.

            "Everything! We are so filthy rich as compared to you poor peasant folk that we must seem like we own the world! We have-"

            "NOT LIKE THAT!"  Syrina roared, smacking her on the back of the head.

            "Well, it's… well, it's kinda embarrassing, but we've been taken over by. . .uh, er… uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh… eeeerrrrr… ummmmm… RATS!"

            Dum dum dum!

            "…you're joking." Syrina stated flatly.

            "Yes- er, no. We have an infestation of rats." Nalia said.

            "And you need heavily armed mercenaries to deal with a rat problem?" Yoshimo asked in disbelief.

            "What she REALLY needs is the ORDER TO SMITE THOSE VILE RATS!" Anomen declared.

            "…"

            "The ORDER can do everything," Anomen finished smugly.

            "Okay, so we just go in the entrance, and use rat poison." Elfangor said, walking up to the drawbridge.

            "NO!" Nalia shrieked, "Uh, the rats have cut off the front entrance! Yeah."

            The group looked at her. "Humans can be so stupid," Viconia said.

            "I'm a druid! And I don't believe that the rats could possibly close the drawbridge," Jaheira said.

            "They're really smart rats. Heh, heh, yeah, we get really big rats out here in the country, heh, heh…" Nalia said weakly.

            Syrina shrugged. She walked up to the secret entrance, which Nalia had directed her too, and walked inside.

            She paused. "Big rats ya got here." She commented, looking at the body parts strewn all across the keep. And the troll eating a servant.

            "Oh, yes. Very large rats." Nalia agreed as the troll turned to them.

            "You can call Boo crazy, but he doesn't think that's a rat." Minsc commented.

            "Tell Boo that I think he's right,"  Elfangor said, pulling out one of his whirling scimitars of death.

            And that's when the group found themselves in the lair of Torgal, the ruler of the trolls. Standing with them was… 

            "ABDEL?!" screamed Syrina, Elfangor, Jaheira, and Yoshimo.

            Abdel Adrian, sell sword child of Bhaal and star of three of his own books, stood in the midst of Irenicus, Sarevok, three massive red dragons, a legion of trolls, and thirteen Shadow Thieves. He waved his broadsword with one arm, and all of them dropped dead instantly, which with his other hand he flirted with Bodhi and Jaheira.

            Then he dropped to his knees. "I AM SO CONFUSED WITH MY LIFE!" he screamed, "WHY AM I HERE?! WHY DO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I COME IN CONTACT WITH DIE?!"

            "It's okay Abdel. I'm a druid, therefore you will always be forced to save my pitiful life," Jaheira comforted him. "I can heal your wounds… and that's it!"

            Abdel looked up. "Hey, where's my sword?"

            Elfangor cackled evilly, dragging the tip on the floor as he slid away. "I wonder how much I can sell this for…" he said to himself.

            "Hey, I need my sword to fight evil! Give that… hey, what was that?" Abdel asked, hearing howling.

            A pack of wolves lept  out of nowhere and ate him.

            "AAAAAHHHHHH! I NEED MY SWORD TO FIGHT! AAAAAAHHHHH!"

            When the wolves disappeared, there was nothing left of Abdel but his skeleton.

            "… so, where should be go next?" Syrina asked.

            "We could always go get me book, 'cause I be an evil dwarf!" said Korgan.

            "No. Any other ideas?"

            "We need to visit Uncle Quayle, because he has something for us to do!" Aerie proclaimed.

            "Okay." Syrina said.   

            "Ulga like Koorgo." Ulga the Barbarian said.

            "Koorgo like Ulga," replied Koorgo the Mighty.

            A/N- Yes, this was a little short, but hey, I had to update eventually. ^_^

            And I hope whoever told me to have Abdel eaten by a pack of wolves is happy ^_^


	3. Save the bard, NOW

            Disclaimer:     Once again, I own nothing. I am poor. Hardy har har har.

~ Chapter Three ~

            "My friend Raelis Shai owns her own theater. And she lost her bard. Go save it. NOW." Quayle ordered.

            "Yessir." Syrina said meekly, dragging her party back to go to the Bridge District.

                                                *            *            *

            "YOU! ARE YOU EVIL?!" screamed a lieutenant, running up to them as they entered the Bridge District.

            "Don't tell me that you're a member of the ORDER." Syrina growled, prepared to kill him.

            "Uh, no." said he, "I'm Lt. Ted Aegisfield. There's a sick person going around skinning beggars alive. Here's a picture!"

            He showed them all a picture of a beggar without skin.

            "Ewwwwwww…"   

            "And here's another one… and here's another one… oo, this is one of my kids from when we went to Trademeet… here's my kids at Halloween…"

            "… whoopdee frickin' do." Syrina said. "If we catch whoever did this, we'll kill him. Now we have to go save a bard."

            "Don't forget to talk to the witnesses! There's Rampah the crazy old street loon, and Rose, the…uh… lady that I… uh… know… a little… she's…uh…a whore."

            "…"

            "And you know her?" Minsc inquired, raising an eyebrow. 

            "Ah, the city! All of the people and their accumulating wealth, yes!" Yoshimo said.

            "… sure."

            "HOW DARE YOU ASSOCIATE WITH THE VILE, ANTI-ORDERLY PROSTITUTES! I WILL DEFEAT THEE IN THE NAME OF THE OOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!" Anomen screamed, pulling out his mace.

            Aegisfield pulled out a picture of his wife. "This is my wife." He said.

            "… ah. Now I see why you associate with prostitutes. Sorry, sir. Have a nice day." Anomen said.

            And the group made their way to the Five Flagons Inn, and walked downstairs.

            Kirinaldo was talking to Lunesia. "Your love is gone, Lunesia! Marry me, because, frankly, there's no one else!"

            "Kirinaldo, what have you done with my love?" Lunesia asked.

            Biff the Understudy walked on. "Uh, hi." Said he.

            "Oh, my love! You have returned! Where hast thou been?" Lunesia asked.

            "I dunno."

            "… I sent thee away on a ship, because I am evil!" Kirinaldo pointed out.

            "NOT AS EVIL AS ME, CUZ I BE AN EVIL DWARF!" Korgan blurted.

            "Oh," Biff said, ignoring Korgan, "Uh, I guess you did. Uh, yeah."

            Lunesia sighed. "Uh, all that matters is that you have returned to me, my fair love!"

            Biff threw up his hands. "I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M NOT A BARD! I SUCK AT ACTING! I'M NOT HAER'DA FRICKIN' LIS! I HATE YOU ALL!" then he burst into tears.

            The audience applauded. 

            Realis Shai walked on stage after Biff was dragged off. "Uh, sorry about this. We can't give you a refund, cuz we're poor 'n' all, but you CAN come back and see us for free later. As it is, if you happen to be an adventurer, come see me." She said, then walked off.

            The group followed her.

            After necessary introductions, Realis explained how her bard had been kidnapped. Haer'Dalis had gone off to get a gem, and had been kidnapped by a wizard, who lived in the sewers under the Temple District.

            "If you save him I might give you the lint in my pocket, cuz that's all I have." Raelis said.

            "It's okay! Here, you can have two thousand dollars!" Nalia said, handing Syrina's wallet to her.

            Syrina looked confused. Elfangor looked amazed. "She HAS been paying attention!" he marveled.

            Before Syrina could realize what had just happened, she was hit full force by a brick.

            Attached to the brick was a note:

                                                "SAVE THE DAMN BARD.

                                                                        -Quayle"

            "Okay." She replied to the note, even though it didn't say anything back. 

                                                *            *            *

            "KNEEL AND REPENT!" screeched an obnoxiously high voice as the group entered the Temple District. "FOR THE UNSEEING EYE HAS SEEN YOU, AND WANTS YOU TO WORSHIP IT!"

            "How does that work?" asked a random commoner.

            "He's lying!" proclaimed a priest of Helm, "That's how it works!"

            "The Unseeing Eye is the all-mighty deity that no one has ever heard of!" the priest of the Unseeing Eye continued, as a crowd began forming, "To join, you have to scoop out your eyes with a spoon, and if you survive, you can worship it!"

            "I don't like the sound of that," another random commoner pointed out.

            "Ah, but in return for loosing your unholy orbs of sight, you will gain infinite knowledge and power!"

            "But scooping out your eyes with a spoon… that doesn't sound comfortable." A priest of Lathander said, smirking. He was enjoying this.

            "Ah, but think of the POWER!" the Unseeing Eye priest said, beginning to look less and less confident.

            "Is the spoon clean?" asked yet another random commoner.

            "Yeah, I don't wanna spoon out my eyes with a dirty spoon," another agreed.

            "You people aren't getting the point," the priest said, "It's not to spoon out your eyes, it's to worship a new god."   

            "Oh, but the spoon can't be too clean, otherwise you'll get soap in your eye sockets."

            "Ouch, that's bound to hurt almost as much as getting your eyes spooned out."  

            "HOW DENSE ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" the priest screeched, loosing his cool, "THE SCOOPING OF THE EYES IS THE UNIMPORTANT PART! IF YOU DON'T WORSHIP THIS PARTICULAR GOD, THEN YOU'LL ALL END UP IN THE ABYSS!"

            "That sounds just as painful as scooping out your eyes."

            "But not as painful as if it were done with a rusty spoon."

            "Or what about a soapy spoon?"

            "Ouch."

            "I'll pay each of you thirty thousand gold pieces if you'll join my cult," the priest said, sounding pathetic.

            "Hey! That's a lot of money!"

            "Will I have to scoop out my eyes with a spoon?"

            "Yes." The priest replied to the commoner.

            The priest of Lathander suddenly didn't look so amused. "Hey, that's cheating," he said.

            The Unseeing eye priest stuck his tongue out at the priest of Lathander, and continued to his audience, "And the spoon is perfectly clean, with not a hint of soap on it."

            "Let's go!" a commoner proclaimed. 

            The priest of the Unseeing Eye began walking off towards the sewers.

            "Aw, nuts." The Priest of Helm said as the crowd followed after him. "Hey, you! Random group of adventurers! Go hunt them down, and kill them!"

            "Uh, we have to go save a bard, but maybe la-" Syrina began, but was cut off abruptly.

            "YES SIR!" Anomen shouted, "WE WILL DESTROY THIS EVIL, VILE, UN-ORDERLY THING IN THE NAME OF HELM, AND IN THE NAME OF THE ORDER!"

            Both priests looked a little scared. The priest of Helm gave him a nervous, shaky thumbs-up and said, "That's the spirit. They're in the sewers. Sick 'em, boy." And the two snuck off to their respective temples.

            "We have to save the bard first," Syrina said, shielding herself from any flying bricks.

            "Do we have to?" Elfangor inquired, looking at the player's guide, "He looks like a pansy."

            "We don't have to keep him," Syrina replied, "We just have to save him."

            "Ah, alright."

            "I be an evil-" Korgan began, until Aerie beat him on the back of the head with her flail.

            The group, dragging Korgan, began walking towards the sewers.

            Standing on the entrance, with a familiar looking group of adventurers, was an elf in long mage robes. He was staring directly at a rock, with a look of irritation on his face.

            "Who're you?" Elfangor inquired.

            The elf looked at the two, with a look of surprise identical to that of Syrina and Elfangor. The "group of adventurers" disappeared, and, once again, the group that Syrina and Elfangor had remembered travelling with…

            "I am Elysion," the mage proclaimed. He then looked back to the rock. "That rock! It's talking to me! Telling me… things."

            "Things?" the other two Bhaalspawn echoed.

            "Yes. Things that I do not wish to hear." The mage's hands began glowing, and he hit the rock with a fireball.           

            "Elysian is one of the most powerful mages in the realms," Jaheira informed them, "Just the most insane. Much like I am a druid."

            "There," Elysion said, rubbing his hands together as if to remove something from them, "That insignificant ROCK won't be laughing at anything anymore!"

            "I don't think it ever did," Syrina replied. "Wait a sec, if you're one of us, then you must have… an orc."

            "I am Korrunga!" proclaimed a half-orc. It spoke in a voice that couldn't be deciphered as either male or female.

            "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! KILL IT KILL IT!" 

            Every mage and cleric in the group blasted it with their most powerful magic, and all that was left on the floor was a pile of greasy smudge.

            Elysian gave a sigh of relief. "Good. I'm quite sure that my spotted flamingo is quite grateful."

            And the group continued into the sewers.

                                                *            *            *

            They were in the sewers. 

            Jaheira was gagging, Aerie had already fainted due to the smell, Viconia had cast Zone of Sweet Air around herself (and thus smelled like daisies), and Elysion was carrying on an in-depth conversation with a rat. 

            "Where's the bard?" Syrina inquired of the sewers, which was a massive labyrinth of pipes and caverns. 

            Elfangor stepped on a kobold as the group walked on. "Why are we in the sewers?! Why do we need the bard?! This place smells like shit!"

            "That's because," Syrina replied, looking irritated, "what you're smelling IS shit. Lots of it. Seeing as this seems to be the only sewers in the city."

            "I be fine," Korgan said, "Because I be used to this! Cuz I be an evil dwarf!"

            "I'm a druid," Jaheira agreed,  "Thus I don't like this."

            "WE NEED TO SMITE THE EVIL!" Anomen declared.

            "Why can't I kill you?" Syrina asked. 

            "HALT! IN THE NAME OF THE ORDER!" shouted another voice. It was an older man, in bloodstained platemail.

            "Who're you?"

            "It's Lord Keldorn," Anomen sneered.

            "Hello, SQUIRE Anomen," Keldorn replied, with the same tone of disgust, "I'm here to stop a grave evil, the source of which I have yet to determine."

            "A blinded beholder tricking people into removing their eyes and worshipping it in exchange for extrasensory abilities.  Its true purpose is to seek an abandoned temple, not too far from here but two levels down, so we'll need to find stairs to get there, where the second half of an unbelievably powerful artifact is contained.  It needs the power of its worshippers to find the thing, at which point it will use the artifact to create chaos and destruction across the realms." Elysion said, in the tone of someone discussing a school assignment.  Suddenly, he screamed at the top of his lungs.  "THAT RAT!  It's been following me and saying things, and IT WANTS TO KILL ME!" He roared, and threw a lightning bolt at the offending rodent.

            "… well." Aerie commented, waking up.

            "Uh… well, I guess that's true," Keldorn admitted, "That sounds likely. Anyhow, it's obvious you need a representative of the ORDER, seeing as all you have is that squire, so I'm going to follow you around and make sure that you stay lawful!"

            "Hey…" Anomen said, looking a bit miffed.

            "Okay, let's go stop the beholder- OUCH!"

            Syrina was hit on the head by a brick.

            "WE'RE SAVING THE BARD FIRST!" she screamed, kicking the brick.. 

            "He's over there," Elysion commented off-handedly, pointing at a wall. 

~ Will the group be able to save the bard? What ever happened to Boo? Notice how he hasn't made a comment in awhile. What about the cult of the Unseeing Eye? Why doesn't Keldorn ever clean his armor? All these questions and, you guessed it, MORE will be answered in next chapter! Ta ta!


	4. Hamtaro will know, just what to do!

~ Generic Disclaimer: I OWN YOUR SOULS. Err, maybe not. Okay. I would like to make an apology to all that suffered through Chapter Three… I have no idea why everything mashed together like that, and I hope to try and fix it ^_^ Also, I want to apologize for not writing in this for awhile (for all those who care)! I don't know what came over me - - this sudden desire to do nothing but sleep. Ah, school has that effect. Again, sorry!

            ~ Chapter Four ~

            Boo had gotten sick of hanging out with the morons that he was so accustomed to working with. His owner was a nutcase, then there was the homicidal maniac, the stupid thief that ruined all plots, the insane psycho-mage, the druid, the two moronic immortal orcs, the traitor… the list went on, but having to deal with TWO orcs was enough to drive any miniature space hamster crazy. 

            So he had gotten away from Minsc, and had run off to go find adventure on his own. Sure, he would miss his companion from Rashemen (he may be a moron but he's a moron that can cook) but it was a small price to pay for his freedom.

            Or so he thought.

            Boo ran from Athkatla, not sure where he was going, only that he thought he was travelling north. But even then, the tall grass was blocking out all view of everything but the path in front of him.

            He bounded (if you can really call it that) over a rock, and heard a rather loud screeching noise. His instincts informed him it was a hawk, or some other vicious hamster-eating bird of prey. While he normally had his rather large guardian to protect him from predators, this time Boo was alone.

            He took a leap of faith and raced down a hole at the base of a random tree. 

                                                *            *            *

            The group, which now consisted of Syrina, Elfangor, Elysion, Nalia, Aerie, Minsc, Keldorn, Anomen, Yoshimo, Jaheira, Ulga the Barbarian, Koorgo the Mighty, Korgan, and Viconia, continued the trek through the hidden doorway in attempt to find the bard. 

            Finding nothing at the top of the hidden stairway but a bunch of bat-things in a library, Syrina quickly lost patience and screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS THE BARD?!"

            "Oh, you mean the thief bard?" asked an older man wearing a robe, who appeared out of nowhere (mages can do that, you know). "He's now my slave for eternity. That's what he gets for stealing from me."

            " 'Stealing from you'?" Nalia repeated, "I thought that you kidnapped him because he owned a gem. Or something like that. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter, because I could easily give you a gem that was worth MORE than that, because I'm RICH."

            "Well, actually, the bard tried-" Mekrath began.  

            "The bard, named Haer'dalis, tried to steal the gem in hopes that the gem's hidden powers, the power to transport people and things from here to another realm, would allow him and his troupe of bards to go back to their home is Sigil, from where they were evicted previous to this date for performing an evil play that was given to them by a mysterious stranger." Elysion said in a bored tone. He then shrieked.

            "What's wrong?" Jaheira asked him.

            "That _book_! It's laughing at me! I don't appreciate being laughed at; especially not by a BOOK!" he screamed, preparing a fireball, which all but incinerated the offensive text.

            "… Yeah, that story's just about right," the old mage said cautiously. "So, um, you can't have the bard back. He's going to be my slave for eternity, because I'm mean like that."

            "That's not very nice." Aerie said.

            Elfangor sighed in a resigned tone, holding his twin sister back because she was ready to kill the mage. "Is there anything that we can do to save the damn bard?"

            "We could KILL HIM!" Syrina shrieked, beginning to fight off her brother's hold on her. 

            Mekrath looked thrilled (not at the prospect of dying, mind you). "I lost my mirror! An imp stole it! If you get it back, I'll give you the stupid bard. He's not good for anything anyway. All he does is sit in a room and babble on about how great I am. And while that may be pretty nice, it's still not that useful in the broad scheme of things. My mirror, however, was highly important!"

            "And you let an imp steal it?" Elfangor asked incredulously.

            "Be careful; the imp may have **used** the mirror." Mekrath turned a little pink around the ears. 

            "Used the mirror to do what?" Aerie asked.

            "WHERE'S BOO?!" Minsc shouted, suddenly realizing that his companion was missing.

            "Summon things." Mekrath said, ignoring Minsc's outburst.

            "Summon what?" Syrina asked, accepting defeat.

            "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Minsc called, looking around the library.

            "… … … … rats." 

            Nalia gasped. 

                                                *            *            *

            At the end of the tunnel, Boo found a big door. Made out of wood. Not that he knew exactly how wood doors made their way underground. He shrugged to himself, and opened the door.

            A whole bunch of hamsters with extremely large eyes looked back at him.

            "WOW! It's another Ham-Ham!" one shouted.

            "Chika-chika." Said another.

            "Would you like some sunflower seeds?"

            "Koosh-koosh," Boo said, then paused. "What the hell was that?"

            He was suddenly tackled by the first hamster, whom looked almost exactly like him. "I'M HAMTARO! Welcome to the clubhouse! Chika-chika-chika, when you're in a jam…"

            "GET OFF OF ME!" Boo shouted, pushing off Hamtaro and then running to hide in the corner. "Someone's been dipping into the ale a bit too much…"

            "What are you talking about?" Hamtaro asked, "I'm just HAPPY!"

            "BACK, VILE DEMON!" Boo shouted, pulling out a cross and a wooden stake. "THE POWER OF CHRIST REPELS THEE! BACK! BACK!"

            "I know!" another Ham-Ham proclaimed, "Let's sing our song! It'll make him feel better!"

            "Hamtaro! When we work together it's much better! My best friend- we like sunflower seeds krmph krmph krmph! My Ham-Hams!"

            Boo began throwing random objects. 

            "Bonjour hamster! I am Bijou! Who are you?" asked a small white hamster with blue ribbons in her hair.

            Boo smirked. "This is more like it… hey baby! You can offer me sunflower seeds any time, sweetie!"

            All of the Ham-Hams sweat dropped. They can do that, because this is an anime. Anyhow.

            "Hey!" one of the bigger hamsters said angrily, "That's my girl! I'm Boss, and I'm the boss!" 

            "I know!" Hamtaro interrupted, "Let's go help Laura on an adventure! She's going to a farm today! What's a farm?"

            "Are you a moron?" Boo asked him plainly.

            "I'm just HAPPY!" 

            "A farm is a place where animals live," a brown hamster named Maxwell said, looking into a big text book, "There they are kept by humans for miscellaneous tasks!"

            "Wow, that word had five syllables," one with a red apron and an inability to open his eyes commented. "Well, I'll be gosh darned! Hi there friend, I'm HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWDEEE!"

            "…"

            "What's your name?" One with glasses asked, "I'm Dexter!"

Boo mentally battled himself over whether he should give this group of psycho hamsters his name. "Er, my name is… MAJIN BUU!"

                                    *            *            *

"Alright, we've been searching this stinking, nasty sewers for five hours now." Viconia whined, "Surfacers can be so stupid."

"And who happens to be the drow hanging out with the stupid surfacers?" Jaheira growled. Viconia didn't have a smart response to that, so she just cursed in Underdark.

"She has a point," Elfangor said, "This is like searching for a needle in a haystack. And it ***does*** smell."

Syrina stopped, turned around, and grabbed her brother by the collar. "We," she said in a deadly voice, "Are. Going. To. Save. The. Bard. FIRST. Then. We. Will. Find. The. Unseeing. Eye. Do. You. Know. What. That. Means?"

"No," Elfangor squeaked, "What?"

"It. Means. That. We. Will. Be. In. The. Sewers. For. A. Long. Time. Do. You. Know. What. *That*. Means?"

"No," he squeaked again, "What?"

"*GET* *USED* *TO* *IT*!"

"Yes ma'am,"

"I'll use my Orderly Powers to locate this evil imp!" Keldorn proclaimed.

"Can you do that?" Yoshimo inquired.

"No," Anomen answered smartly, "he can't."

"Oh, what do you know, you're just a moronic, mangy, good-for-nothing Squire." Keldorn replied gruffly, "That makes you about as important as the sewer stuff on the bottom of my boot."

"And you're a… a… a…"

"A…?"  
            "A highly respected and important knight of the Order," Anomen finished lamely, and went to go join Elfangor in silence. Syrina pointed and laughed at him.

"Oh, there are such stories amongst my people… being underground is just ***not*** for the Avariel," Aerie informed them.

"Have you and your amazing Orderly Powers found the imp yet?" Yoshimo asked.

"Why, yes, yes they have. It's in the south-west corner of the sewers."

"Have your Orderly Powers found out that I'm actually in the process of betraying you now?"

"Yes they have."

"Okay."

And so the group marched off to find the imp.

                                    *                      *                      *

"Wow, so this is a farm?!" Hamtaro exclaimed. 

A sheep baaaah-ed at the group. 

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah maaaaaaaaan, baaaaah ta you too, man," Boo said, swaying on his feet. He had gotten so terrified at the sheer optimism of the Ham-Hams (think of what he's used to) and began getting drunk. Not that anyone really knew where he was getting his beer. But oh well.

"Hey look, it's Laura and Kana!" the big grey and white hamster, Oxnard, said, "And they're gossiping with their friends about hamsters, which is apparently the only interesting topic in this town!"

"Wow, I can't believe that all fifteen of us are hamster fans!" Laura exclaimed, pulling out a 250-pictures compilation of Hamtaro pictures that she carried with her everywhere. "Because today was great, but tomorrow will be even better! Right, Hamtaro?"

"Koosh-koosh," Hamtaro said on cue.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Boss shouted, "THERE'S A GIANT CHICKEN! AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US!"

The Ham-Hams all screamed in unison, except for Boo, who wasn't paying attention due to drunkenness. 

About five minutes later, the chicken cornered all of the Ham-Hams, not including Boo. "Don't worry, Ham-Hams!" Hamtaro shouted, "Our new friend Majin Boo will save us!"

Boo fell over.

"Uh, Majin Buu? …Majin Buu? MAJIN BUU! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

But before the chicken could eat the Ham-Hams (in Hamsterville, Japan, the chickens are evil and carnivorous), a group of figures landed in the cage, scaring away the chickens, which gave the Ham-Hams enough time to run to safety.

"Well, he's a bit smaller than I remember," said a short elf with pale lavender skin and a big white mohawk-thing, "But he was just referred to as Majin Buu."

"Then we're too late," the tallest one said in a terribly dramatic voice, a human with spiky black hair, "Supreme Kai, do we stand a chance?"

"Only if we fight him together," Supreme Kai, the lavender elf, replied. "Vegeta! Goku! Gohan! Destroy Majin Buu while I smile at him to stun him!"

Even drunk, Boo was scared when Goku, Gohan, and Vegeta turned gold and began glowing in unison. But he was downright terrified when the Supreme Kai smiled, his mouth uplifting and his eyes squinting.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Boo squeaked, and took off. 

He missed Minsc.

                                    *                      *                      *

"Keldorn," Nalia said cautiously, "Just out of idle curiosity…"

The group had bagged the imp, and the broken mirror, and was trekking back to Mekrath's lair.

"Yes, Nalia?"

"Why do you have blood splotches on your armor that look older than me? Why don't you clean your armor?"

"Because a true knight, and I mean a virtuous, powerful, amazing, impressive, steadfast, efficient, wise, and amazing knight, must keep his armor STAINED WITH THE BLOOD OF HIS FOES!" Keldorn proclaimed.

"Then why do ***you*** keep your armor dirty?" Anomen sneered.

"Ahem…SQUIRE Anomen, you are a total and complete moron, and even if you decided to further your education by learning from my stellar and shining example, you would probably learn nothing because your skull is too thick. Maybe I should take that pansy mace from you and cleave your skull OPEN, if it's even possible."

Anomen returned to his position of "shut up".

                        *                      *                      *

"HERE! Take him!" Mekrath said, practically throwing a very confused Haer'Dalis at the group once he had his mirror back in his possession.

                        *                      *                      *

Well, the bard has been saved! That's one adventure our heroes have managed to accomplish. Boo has learned that maybe Minsc isn't that bad, and the group has gotten another flunky. Why hasn't Anomen started flirting with Syrina, like he's supposed to? Is it possible… did Jaheira not declare her druid-ness this entire chapter?! Will anyone have to spoon out their eyes in order to get into the Unseeing Eye cult? And just who killed the people in the Bridge District? All of these questions, and, you guessed it, MORE, will be answered the (cheap announcer voice) next exciting episode of DRAGON BALL Z!

Note: Hamtaro and the Ham-Hams are from the TV show "Hamtaro", which is on Cartoon Network at 8:00 a.m. on weekdays (Eastern time)

And Supreme Kai, Goku, Gohan, and Vegeta, are all property of Dragon ball Z. I really don't want to get sued. I really don't. Please.


	5. What not to say to elves

On the last episode of Baldur's Gate II, Shadows of Amn:

SYRINA the Bhaalspawn led her group and successfully saved the bard, HAER'DALIS, from the evil MEKRATH! However, now the group must join the knight of the ORDER, KELDORN, in an effort to rid the world of a new god, known as the UNSEEING EYE. Also, people are mysteriously being murdered in the Bridge District of ATHKATLA! And, underneath all of these tasks, the group must save IMOEN, who was kidnapped by an unnaturally powerful mage known only as IRENICUS! They have been offered aid by the SHADOW THIEVES, but only for an immensely high cost! Can they do it? Do they care? 

The cast!

SYRINA: Bhaalspawn elf, who is fond of chopping things with her two handed broadsword of death, and blowing things up with fireballs. She's not exactly the nicest person, but she is the leader.

ELFANGOR: Bhaalspawn elf as well, he is an unnaturally charismatic thief… but no one ever said he was any good.

ELYSION: Bhaalspawn elf, the last of the Bhaalspawn triplets, his ability with the Weave rivals that of Elminster (or, in this case, Irenicus), but, as the saying goes, "There is a fine line between genius and insanity."

ULGA THE BARBARIAN: Bhaalspawn half orc, she is absolutely immortal, and has been following Syrina around since she first left Candlekeep many years ago. Not that anyone wants her to.

KOORGO THE MIGHTY: Bhaalspawn half orc also, and he is the Ulga the Barbarian to Elfangor. Luckily, the half orc with Elysion was turned into an immortal pile of ash on the street of the Temple District.

IMOEN: The cheerful friend, who was kidnapped by Irenicus, for reasons unknown to anyone but him.

JAHEIRA: A druid half-elf, who has been following around the Bhaalspawn since they first left Candlekeep, usually with her husband Khalid, who was, er, not very lucky. She's a druid. And a fighter. But more of a druid.

MINSC: Warrior from Rashemen, who joined up the Bhaalspawn before Amn as well. He's generally everyone's favorite character, with his hamster friend BOO. 

YOSHIMO: They found this bounty hunter (hmmm, maybe that's a CLUE) in Irenicus' dungeon as they attempted to escape. While he's better than the average thief, he's also a blatant traitor… it's just that nobody cares.

IRENICUS: Mysterious powerhouse, who kidnapped the group and tortured them a bit, before being captured by the Cowled Wizards… sorta. He more or less let himself be captured… but why?

ANOMEN: Squire of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart™, he has joined the quest to blatantly flirt with the girls and some how, some way, become an actual MEMBER of the Order.

KORGAN: He be an evil dwarf! Equipped with a massive ax, he joins the quest to do something involving a book. But Syrina isn't even humoring him. And Aerie's about ready to kill him. Cuz he be an evil dwarf.

NALIA: Owner of D'Arnise Keep, she came to ask for the aid of some group of adventurers to help liberate her keep from… … … rats. Or, trolls. Whichever you prefer.  

AERIE: Avariel, who very much misses her wings. The group saved her from an evil circus, and now she aids them with her fear of dungeons, her magely magic, and her priestly magic.

VICONIA: Drow, who left the Underdark for, well, complicated reasons at best. So this Priestess of Shar tags along with the Bhaalspawn, complaining and cursing in the Drow language the entire time!

KELDORN: An actual knight in the Order, who was assigned to destroy the Unseeing Eye. He joins the group to steer them on the path of right and justice, and to continuously make Anomen look like a moron. Which he does rather successfully.

And

HAER'DALIS: Bard, he was captured by Mekrath the mage, because he isn't a thief. The group saved him, and now he's about to really piss them off by dragging them to an alternate dimension! Isn't that nice.

And off we go!

Disclaimer: Please refrain from contacting any lawyers prior to or after reading this fic. Or in the middle of it, for that matter. Er, just don't sue me, please, only the Bhaalspawn are mine.

~ Chapter Five ~

            "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

Leaving Mekrath's lair, the troupe ran into none other than the previously-missing Boo, who was running towards Minsc at a speed that no hamster could ever really attain. Boo jumped directly into Minsc's hands.

"Oh, Boo has returned!" the big warrior gushed, "Boo and Minsc have been reunited, and thus more butt-kicking shall commence than ever before! HEAR THAT, EVIL?! BEWARE OF MINSC AND BOO, FOR THEY SHALL PLANT THE FOOT OF JUSTICE INTO YOUR EVIL BACKSIDE!"

"Thank you, Minsc," Aerie said.

            "Hey!" exclaimed an unknown voice.

The group turned to look to their lefts. A whole group of angry looking people stood there, each holding weapons. "No one can pass through here except if they pay a toll! So pay a toll!"

"No," Syrina replied, crossing her arms.

"Then I guess we're going to have to kill you." Their apparent leader said with a shrug.

"Yeah right," Elfangor commented, "We outnumber you about two-to-one."

"…oh. Hey, there's only supposed to be six of you!" A mage complained, "This isn't fair!"

            "Ha ha ha." Ulga the Barbarian said, "Ulga laughs at you. Ulga doesn't like you. ULGA CRUSH!"

Ulga the Barbarian ran into the group, by herself. The ones who knew about the half-orc's apparent immortality didn't move, but the ones who didn't…

            "That orc is going to die!" Keldorn exclaimed, "WE MUST AID HER! TO BATTLE FOR JUSICE!" and he ran off to join the fray.

"That's right," Anomen said, pulling out his mace, "After this day is over, we shall have smite----- smited? Smote? Hmmmmm… … …"

            As the group was standing there, a huge "herd" of kobolds came up from behind them. And, off to the side, a massive amount of slime began creeping towards them.

            "…oh dear. Uh, Jaheira, care to destroy them with your druidly magic?"

Syrina inquired as they all (sans Ulga the Barbarian and Keldorn) stood back to back.

"Hmm, nyah." 

"…'nyah'?" Elfangor echoed, "Whaddya mean, 'nyah'?"

"I just don't feel --- 'druidly' today." Jaheira replied, buffing her nails.

"WHADDYA MEAN, YOU DON'T FEEL 'DRUIDLY'?!" Syrina shrieked. "YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT BEING A )%(#*&%)#*(& DRUID FOR THIS ENTIRE STORY, AND NOW YOU JUST DON'T FEEL DRUIDLY?!"

            "Yeah, that's about it."

"Look at Korgan! He's declared his evil dwarf-ness more than you've declared your druidry, and there he is, about ready to pull out his evil dwarf ax and charge into battle, like a typical evil dwarf!" Elysion pointed out.

"Ay, that I be! Cuz I be an evil dwarf!" Korgan pulled out his evil dwarf ax and charged into battle, like a typical evil dwarf.

"THAT'S IT!" Syrina shouted, "I WILL TAKE THE KOBOLDS! ELYSION, AERIE, AND VICONIA! YOU WILL STAND THERE AND FLING MAGICAL SHTUFF AT THE SLIMES! MINSC, YOU AND ELFANGOR WILL CHARGE AND HELP ULGA THE BARBARIAN AND KEDORN! ANOMEN!"

"Smotted? Smitted? Smeet? Smute? Shmite?"

"… "

            "Anomen!"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I do rather like 'smeete'…but it could be 'smotted'…"

            "ANOMEN!"

" 'We shall have smotted them…'. Yes. That does sound good. 'We shall have--'"

            "ALRIGHT, MOVING ON! KOORGO THE MIGHTY! YOU GO, UHM, HELP ULGA THE BARBARIAN!"

"Koorgo like Ulga!"

And so they all did as they were told, except for Anomen, who was still pondering the past tense of 'smote', Jaheira, who was thinking about her druid-ness, and Nalia, Yoshimo, and Haer'dalis, who didn't get direct orders, so they sat around… 

"C'mon, Yoshimo," Haer'dalis said in a very low voice, "Your victory rides on this.  You THINK you know what I have… but do you really? Or am I bluffing?"

            Yoshimo was sweating. "I… I can dance on a pin as well!" 

"C'mon Yoshimo,"

"Uh… six!"

            "Go. Fish."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

            "Oh dear," Aerie commented, looking flustered, "I, uh, seem to have run out of magical spells. Oh dear."

Syrina apparently hadn't heard her, because she was up to her head in kobolds. No one could see her, and there was really nothing (other than the mound of kobolds) to indicate that she was even THERE except for the occasional five kobolds being flung around.

"It's official," Viconia commented, putting down her arms, "We're going to die. Stupid _rivvin_."

"It's okay!" Elfangor proclaimed, jumping in front of the two spell-less spellcasters.  "I'll save you!"

"Smited, smote, smuteed…"

"Oy, ye prissy elf!" one of the, well, evil dwarves said, "Yer orc may be rippin apart me-"

            CLING.

            Syrina effortlessly finished off the kobolds. Elfangor drew both of his scimitars and turned to glare at the dwarf.  Elysion blew up all of the slimes and also turned, his hands still smoking. Aerie and Viconia's spells were replenished. Jaheira glared.

"Hey SIS!" Elfangor shouted, "Did you hear that?"

"Well, actually, I was in the middle of fighting kobolds, and I MIGHT have heard wrong. But what I think I heard was 'prissy elf'."

"Why, that's what I heard too! What about you, Aerie?"

"Well, I, TOO, heard 'prissy elf'! What about you, Viconia?"

" I heard 'prissy elf' as well, but really, why would he call us 'prissy elves'?"

            "Because he has a death wish," Elysion growled. "For I, too, heard 'prissy elf'."

            "Well," Syrina said, walking over slowly, wiping the kobold blood off of her sword, "With our SUPERIOR ELVEN HEARING, not ALL of us could've heard WRONG. What did YOU hear, Haer'dalis? You may not be full elf, but you must have some elf in you somewhere."

"Why, my raven, I heard 'prissy elf', just as the rest of you did. Which leaves Jaheira, my frumpy ptarmigan!"

"I AM AN ELF, AND I AM NOT PRISSY!" Jaheira roared. And, she added as an afterthought, "I'm also a druid."

Ulga the Barbarian, who was crushing the life of a gnome, gracefully stepped away. Keldorn also backed away from the elven archer that he was about to kill, seeing as the archer was pointing his bow at the dwarf while muttering, "Call me a 'prissy elf', will ya…I'll show YOU 'prissy elf'…"

The evil dwarf gulped.

All the way in Waterdeep, they could hear the screams of a single dwarf being tortured. Rather painfully.

"SMOTE!" Anomen declared, looking at a copy of a dictionary.

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            "No one messes with the Elven Mafia™," Syrina said as the group traveled deeper into sewers to begin the official UNSEEING EYE quest.

"The base of the evil, cruel, and un-Orderly cult is over there," Keldorn informed them. 

IN THE UNSEEING EYE LAIR

"Okay, so the only way we're gonna get in," Elfangor recalled, "is for one of us to spoon out our eyes. Who's expendable – I mean, BRAVE enough to do so?"

            "ANOMEN!" the entire group said in perfect unison.

            "What?" For some reason, Anomen didn't look too thrilled.

"But really, Anomen, darling," Syrina purred, "You were brave enough to fight off the HILLGNASHER GIANTS,"

"I… er…"

"And don't forget when you bravely took on thirteen ogres, ALONE," Elfangor added.

"…oh dear…"

"And don't forget how, that if you ever met up with this Irenicus fellow, that you'd bravely charge, and that he'd never even get a chance to cast one of his 'stupid little un-Orderly magic spells', because he'd be too busy cowering from your MIGHT," Elysion finished, looking smug.

Keldorn smirked sadistically. "Surely, you can handle getting your eyes spooned out."

Anomen gulped.

"At least the spoon is clean," Nalia said comfortingly, patting him on the back.

"Hey, you! Are you planning on joining my UNSEEING EYE cult?" asked the priest from earlier before.

"Why is UNSEEING EYE always capitalized?" Aerie wondered out loud.

"Why, yes, yes we are!" Syrina said joyfully, "And here is our sacrifice!" she pushed the warrior priest forward.

The UNSEEING EYE priest waved his hand. "Nyah, you guys are adventurers, and thus I need you to do something else for me."

"Oh, alright." The entire group (sans Anomen) looked a tad disappointed. "What exactly do you need us to do?"

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            "Hey, this isn't in the player's guide," Viconia commented, looking at Syrina's copy. 


	6. Yes, Anomen, you rock!

A/N: I do not own any of the characters, except for the characters that I own. 

- Chapter Six   –

The troupe, consisting of Syrina, Ulga the Barbarian, Elfangor, Koorgo the Mighty, Elysion, Jaheira, Minsc, Boo, Yoshimo, Anomen, Nalia, Aerie, Viconia, and Haer'dalis trekked the rest of the way through the sewers, into an opening, with an evilly evil sarcophagus and a blind guy. 

"Talk to me! I'm here to help you on your quest!" the blind man said, waving a large red flag. 

"Hey, that's an evilly evil sarcophagus!" Aerie exclaimed, pointing at said sarcophagus.

"Let's go open it for no reason whatsoever!" Nalia agreed, and the two mages raced up to the coffin.

"Y'know, maybe it was introduced as an 'evilly evil' sarcophagus for a reason," Elfangor pointed out, but he was totally ignored.

"Hey, look at this!" Nalia said, pointing at the top of the sarcophagus, "There's something here written in Elvish, and in blood!"

"Ooo, ooo, let me read it!" Aerie said cheerfully, "I wanna read it! Ooo, it says, 'Whomever opens this evilly evil sarcophagus will endure a torture and then death so painful that they will wish to be banished to the bowels of Hell just to relieve their pain. Hardy har har. Er, BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.'"

"Let's open it!" Syrina exclaimed, running over. Together, the three pushed open the sarcophagus, and inside was a lich.

The lich made a hissing noise as he sat up. "Know, thee, that I am a lich of great power! I am evil in an extremely evil way, and thou willst die a painful death as I destroy thee with my evil lich powers!"

"Uhhhhhhh… liches are bad, aren't they?" Yoshimo asked calmly.

"Yeah."

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

They all turned and ran, running over the blind man (who they were supposed to be talking to) and back out into the rest of the sewers.

The lich was terribly confused. "Uh, what are you idiots doing? Don't you want to fight me and earn my wealth?"

Scrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!

All of them skidded to a stop. " 'Money'?" Elfangor echoed.

"Well… not so much 'gold' as 'powerful magical artifacts' and other such things." The lich replied.

"… I like money," Viconia said.

"You can only get these treasures by defeating the evilly evil me, another evilly evil lich just like me, and another evilly evil lich so powerful that … well, he's extremely evil AND extremely powerful."

"We'll cross that bridge when we kill you," Syrina said, a sadistic gleam in her eyes.

            The lich began glowing black, which had a cool effect on everyone in the vicinity. "Hey, look! My robe's purple!" Aerie exclaimed, stopping the priestly protective magic that she had been casting in favor of admiring her new color scheme.

            The lich fired a massive beam of black magic, which hit Haer'Dalis head on. It struck him full force in the chest. Black lighting began travelling around Haer'Dalis' convulsing body, jumping in between his fingers and burning his skin. He let out a scream of pain, and then exploded in a spectacular fashion.

            Well, to make a long story short, the three Elven Bhaalspawn ran up to the lich, grabbed him, and stuffed him back into his sarcophagus. 

            "We'll be back later," Syrina assured the sarcophagus. The lich inside sighed deeply, and went back to sleep. 

            "TALK TO ME! NOW!" The old blind guy screamed, jumping up and down.

            "Oh, hello, random blind person!" Keldorn said, "What do you need to tell us?"            

            "Well, y'see, the rod that you need to get… you really shouldn't get it."

            "Oh, okay."

            "NO! YOU NEED TO GET THE ROD!"

            "… okay…"

            "But you can't get the rod! Terrible things will happen if you do!"

            "…"

            "That's my advice for you," the blind guy nodded sagely and walked off.

            "…"

            "So, we need to get the rod, but we can't." Jaheira recapped. "That doesn't make any sense. Now, me being a druid makes perfect sense. But that does not."

            "We need to retrieve the rod halves and then combine them, and then use its single charge to destroy the Unseeing Eye itself," Elysion commented, examining his nails.

            "Oh, look my Lady! Have you seen this flower before? 'Tis a Crimson Rhodelia," Anomen said, pulling a single red flower (which hadn't been there the second before) out of the ground.

            "Uh… where did that come from?" Syrina asked.

            "'Tis a most stately flower, my lady. Its color has the most fiery temperament, yet its aroma is sweet. It is the flower of lovers, yet it is also the flower of vengeance and warriors. It reminded me of you, my lady. Beautiful to look upon, yet with a powerful nature. I find myself drawn to its scent, giving myself over almost to distraction."

            There was a silence of about five minutes, seeing as everyone present had heard Anomen's declaration of love. The silence was cut off…

            "MARRY ME!" Syrina blurted.

            "Uh… wha…?" Anomen was startled.

            "You're so suave and romantic and sexy MARRY ME!" She shouted, jumping into his arms.    

            "Anomen, I do not know why the ORDER refrains from making you into a knight like you deserve!" Keldorn exclaimed, "You are a much better knight than I am!"

            "You know, for a surface dweller, you're not so bad," Viconia commented, latching on to his arm. 

            "Wow, you can protect me from evil things! Because you're such a mighty knight of the ORDER! Well, you WILL be," Aerie added, latching on to his other arm.

            "If Khalid were still alive, you could kick his arse into next week! Marry ME instead!" Jaheira said.

            "No, Anny-chan is marrying ME!" Syrina shouted.

            "He wants to marry ME and my RICHES!" Nalia screeched.

            "I'll be content being his slave for eternity!" Elfangor exclaimed. 

            "No, I want to be his slave!" Yoshimo argued, pushing Elfangor out of the way.

            "No, I'm going to be his slave!" Minsc shouted. Boo began doing a dance.

            "I want to be his slave too!" Haer'Dalis proclaimed.

            "It doesn't matter what you want, because ***I*** am going to be his slave!" Elysion shouted.

            "Oh, don't worry," Anomen said, still very confused, "you can ALL be my slaves!"

            Various cheers went around.

            "I be an evil dwarf!" Korgan said.

            "Mister Anereneman is great!" Ulga the Barbarian said. "Ulga LIKE Mister Anereneman!"

            "Koorgo the Mighty like Mister Anereneman too! And Koorgo like Ulga!"

            "And Ulga like Koorgo!"

            The group traveled down into the depths of the cave, all of the women latched on to Anomen, and all of the men following him, because no one dared go in before him! Because he's Anomen the Amazing!

            "I rather like the sound of Anomen the Amazing," Anomen commented.

            "AAAAAAHHHHHHH! IT'S A SPIDER!" Syrina shrieked, "KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!"

            "I'll do it!" Anomen proclaimed in a very dramatic way, removing his mace and beating the evil giant spider to death. "Well, now that the spider is gone…"

            "THANK YOU," Syrina exclaimed, jumping back into his arms, even as the rest of the crew began shamelessly complimenting him.

            "… we should rest here! Who all wants to hear me brag about myself?"

            "I DO I DO I DO!" the group all said in unison.

                                                *            *            *            *            * 

 _Later that "night"…_

Anomen was rather much enjoying this. He had spent approximately six hours telling them all stories about how he saved millions of people from vicious monsters that he had made up not ten seconds previous to the story. Add that the group of women hanging on him, and life was good.

            Of course, he couldn't help but wonder exactly what was causing his group to see the light. Then it dawned on him. 

            _A single crimson rhodelia, growing in an area occupied by a lich? Of course! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! As long as I make sure Syrina doesn't lose that flower, I'm set! Yeah, who rocks? I rock! Yeah Anomen, you rock. _

"Yes, Anomen, you rock!" everyone echoed.

            "Well, I would like to go sleep in a bed," Anomen said, "So-"

            "I could bring you a bed with my mighty magic!" Elysion proclaimed.

            "So could I!" Aerie shouted, glaring at Elysion for daring to earn Anomen's favor that could be given to HER.

            "Me too!" Syrina added, waving around the crimson rhodelia.

            "DON'T DO THAT!" Anomen shouted, running over to her. "Don't wave it around! You may break it!"

            Syrina began crying. 

            "Uh, Most Wonderful Sir Anomen," Yoshimo said, "you were in the middle of a sentence."

            "Oh, right. Oh, Syrina my love, stop crying, for it ruins the beautiful milky white skin on your face!"

            Syrina swooned. 

            "Well, as I was saying previous, I think that we ought to continue our quest so that we can finally escape from this accursed sewer."

            "I agree!" Everyone replied in perfect unison, "You are wise beyond your years, Sir Anomen the Amazing!"

            So the group continued farther into the cave. 

            "Uh, my rockhopper penguin?" Haer'dalis asked tentatively. "I seem to be, ah, being eaten alive by massive spiders."

            Indeed, he was. 

            "Oh, just kill them," Anomen said with a dismissive wave of his hand. 

            "But, ah, there are, ah, twenty of them, my penguin. Could I have some of your most wondrous aid?"

            But Anomen had since moved on to more interesting things, such as flirting with the women.

            "Oh dear… they are now ripping off my legs, and injecting my torso with lethal poison… my goodness, this does hurt…"

            The rest of the group came to what seemed to be an underground city-temple-thing. 

            "HELLO DWELLERS OF THIS UNDERGROUD CITY-TEMPLE-THING!" Anomen declared in a very loud and bold (yet so extremely dramatic) voice, "I AM ANOMEN DELRYN, (SOON TO BE) KNIGHT OF THE ORDER AND WARRIOR PRIEST OF HELM!"

            "Um, hi," said a little boy who looked extremely sick. "I'm not."

            "Uh, if you don't mind me asking, who are you and what the hell is this place?"

            "I'm just a kid," said the kid, "and this place doesn't matter. Cuz it sucks."

            "Really?"

            "Yeah. I'm sick, everyone's sick, the demon eats us a lot, and it sucks."

            "…wow."

            "You wouldn't happen to have half of an ancient artifact, would you?" Yoshimo asked.

            "Yeah, there's one right back there in the temple. If you wanna fight your way past the vicious bloodthirsty demon, you're more than welcome to."

            "…okay. I'm sure SIR ANOMEN can handle the demon!" Elfangor exclaimed.

            "Yes, because he's brilliant and brave and fought off 3,000 Hillnasher giants with naught but a rusty mace!" they all said in unison.

            Anomen gulped.

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            Fifteen seconds later, Anomen was thrown out by the demon. He charged back in.

            "Hey, what's going on in there?" Aerie asked.

            "Well, right now the demon is beating Anomen into the floor… then the ceiling, then the floor, then the ceiling again… ouch, that looks painful! Oh, everyone duck! The brave SIR ANOMEN is about to come flying out the doors again!" Keldorn reported.          

            Everyone ducked, and Anomen went flying over their heads and landed head first into the concrete.

            "Go back in and keep fighting that demon, my love!" Syrina cheered.

            "Ow… I think my skull is broken… and my leg too… owie…"

            "Go, you're very brave!" Haer'dalis exclaimed, dragging Anomen back over and into the temple. Once inside, Haer'dalis was eaten alive. Anomen, however, started round three of gratuitous beating. 

            "Oh, and now the demon is grinding SIR Anomen into the ground with a pillar!"

            "Wow, he's so brave!" Nalia proclaimed.

            "Well, the demon is now proclaiming loudly how it can only be defeated by healing spells, the likes of which SIR Anomen has plenty! However, SIR Anomen is so mighty that he could defeat this creature WITHOUT using the one thing that can hurt it! Or, maybe he just can't hear it over his own moans of pain. Oh, now the demon is grinding its foot into his ribcage, so maybe he can't talk. Ow, that looks painful. Everyone duck!"

            They all did so, and Anomen, broken, bleeding, and bloody, flew out the door. The wind he caused as he flew by blew the crimson rhodelia out of Syrina's hair.

            "… … … heeeeeeey… I feel like I joke woke up from a really, really, really LONG nightmare!" Viconia said, rubbing her eyes.

            "I… don't think that was a nightmare," Aerie said quietly, a haunted look in her eyes.

            "It was actually a curse planted upon us by that flower," Elysion said, pointing at said flower with a smug expression.

            "Why's that?"

            "Well, think about it! A LONE FLOWER, growing in a SEWER, next to a LICH. How much more evil can you get?"

            "You're saying that SQUIRE ANOMEN cursed us?!" Keldorn roared, pulling out his two-handed broadsword of death and destruction and smiting.

            Anomen tried to squeak, but couldn't because his lungs were full of blood.

            "Well, let's go kill the demon," Jaheira said, "I can do this, because I'm a DRUID!"

            "No, no, no, I say we let the BRAVE, NOBLE, WONDROUS, AND ORDERLY SIR ANOMEN finish the job! He's so BRAVE, he doesn't NEED our MEASELY, PATHETIC, ANTI-ORDERLY HELP!" Syrina said sadistically. She grabbed Anomen's ankle and dragged him back to the temple.

            "My raven," Haer'dalis commented to Syrina, "Um, maybe we SHOULD help him."

            "Nyah. He can handle it."

            However, they decided to take things into their own  hands after Anomen went flying out again.

            Aerie, alone, walked up to the demon and cast "cure light wounds" on it. The demon withered and faded into the floor.

            "Well, that was anticlimactic. Where's the rod?"

            "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii am the ghooooost of the god who once liveed heeeeeeeere!" said an annoyingly screechy voice. A transparent figure appeared in front of a pedestal, which sat half a rod. "In order to take the rod, you have to promise me that you'll use it to kill the evil beholder!"

            "That was the plan," Nalia said.        

            "Okay then, take it. I don't care. Bye bye!" the ghost handed them the rod and kicked them out of the temple.

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            "Hello, SQUIRE Anomen," Keldorn growled, looking down and the broken squire.

            "Uh, hello Sir Keldorn," Anomen replied, his voice squeaking.

            "You know, ANOMEN, the vast majority of us didn't appreciate being CURSED." Elfangor growled.

            "Which is perfectly understandable of course I didn't mean anything by it twas an accident just please don't kill me!" Anomen babbled.

            "You know what that demon did to you in there?" Syrina growled. Anomen nodded meekly.

            "Take the pain and injuries you received in there… and multiply it times, oh, thirteen." Viconia said sinisterly.

            "Boo is very, very, VERY mad at you," Minsc said darkly, "And I don't like it when Boo gets mad. It makes his fur all fluffy."

            "Prepare to plead for your death."

                                    *            *            *            *            *

Well then, our favorite group has half of the rod. Which means they're halfway through the quest that's taken them about three chapters to start! Will Anomen survive his torture? Does anyone care? Not really. Stay tuned for, maybe, the exciting conclusion to the Unseeing Eye Quest! 


	7. “Keep talking to me like that and I’ll v...

A/N: I don't own any of the characters that I don't own! Well, if you REALLY want to sue me for something, the only characters that I own are Syrina, Elfangor, Elysion, Ulga the Barbarian, and Koorgo the Mighty ^_^

                                    _ Chapter Seven _

            The group was now Syrina, Elfangor, Elysion, Ulga the Barbarian, Koorgo the Mighty, Anomen, Jaheira, Minsc, Boo, Yoshimo, Nalia, Korgan, Keldorn, Viconia, Aerie, and Haer'dalis.

            They all ran through the cult/temple/thing of the Unseeing Eye, waving "hi" to the priest that had assigned them this mission in the first place. 

            "Uh, did you retrieve-" the priest began to ask.

            "NO!"

            "…"

            They all ran through the lair, and jumped down an anonymous pit that led to a series of tunnels that all connected. 

            "We have to find the half of the rod down here somewhere," Keldorn recapped.

            "Shouldn't be too hard," Yoshimo said cheerfully, "And it doesn't really matter, because once this is all over you'll all die after I betray you."

            "Oh shut up."

            TWELVE HOURS LATER…

            "We're lost!" Aerie proclaimed loudly.

            "This isn't supposed to happen! We're supposed to come in, and then get out! WHERE IS THE DAMN ROD?!" Syrina shrieked.

            "Well, we need to camp. I know this because I am a druid." Jaheira stated, sitting down. "So, what do we do now?"

            "Okay, so we all try to survive here, and once a day we vote one of us off the island!" Elysion exclaimed.

            "What? We're not ON an island," Viconia said, looking around, "And why would we vote any away anyhow?"

            "You don't want to vote ME off!" Syrina proclaimed, "Because I can fish!"

            "Psh, there's no fish around here," Elfangor huffed, "And besides, even if there were, I'm better at fishing than you are."

            "Keep talking to me like that and I'll vote YOU off."

            "I'll vote you off first!"

            "KNOCK IT OFF!" Nalia shouted, "THERE IS NO ISLAND, AND WE'RE NOT VOTING ANYONE OFF!"

            Elysion waved his hands, and a decent facsimile of the Ewok Village/Tribal Council formed. "Everyone, I'm now going to count the votes! Nalia, Syrina, Elfangor, Nalia, Anomen, Anomen, Anomen, Nalia, Aerie, Haer'Dalis, Keldorn, Syrina, Syrina, Syrina, Syrina, and Elfangor! I'm sorry Syrina, but it seems as if you've been voted off of the island!"

            "Hah hah." Elfangor unceremoniously stuck his tongue out at his twin sister, who looked rather dejected.

            "How does that work? No one voted except those two!" Anomen pointed out, pointing at Syrina and Elfangor.

            "And why are we even doing this? Boo is confused. And so am I," Minsc added, petting his miniature giant space hamster.

            Syrina sniffled and sat in the corner.

            "Oy, get back here ye prissy elf!" Korgan exclaimed, "Ye-"

            A group of heads turned to look in Korgan's general direction.

            "Well, well, well…" Elfangor said, cracking his knuckles. "Didja hear THAT?"

            "Oh, I heard it loud and clear," Jaheira said, crossing her arms over her chest. "It seems that the dwarf said 'prissy elf'!"

            "Why, I do believe that he's said it BEFORE, too!" Aerie added, swinging her fail around menacingly.     

            "Then we gave him a … party-only first-strike sort of thing," Viconia said sinisterly. "We chose to ignore it that once, just because he was a member of the party…" 

            "But TWICE… no, TWICE is too much," Haer'Dalis sneered, pulling out his blades.

            "How badly do you think we should torture him?" Elysion asked, readying some fireballs.

            "TORTURE?" Syrina scoffed, walking over. "TORTURE is an understatement."

            Korgan gulped. The human members of the party graciously got out of the way. Ulga the Barbarian and Koorgo the Mighty went off to go crush evil.

                                    *            *            *            *            *          

            Shadowmaster Aran Linvail grabbed a hold of his bathtub as what was apparently an earthquake shook all of Athkatla. 

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            Two hours later, the Elven members of the party walked off, congratulating each other as they continued to search for the rod half. Anomen, Keldorn, Nalia, and Yoshimo cautiously approached what appeared to Korgan. 

            "Do you think he's still alive?" Anomen asked dubiously.

            "Poke him with a stick and see if he moves," Nalia suggested brightly.

            "Why are we wasting our time with this?" Keldorn inquired, "It's not as if anyone LIKES Korgan enough to care if he survived… _that_."

            Yoshimo shivered, "Remind me that when it comes time for you to kill me after my betrayal that I shouldn't say 'prissy elf',"

            "Don't worry, NO ONE deserved that. All of the screaming…"

            "… the blood…"

            "… the explosions… OUCH."

            "I… … … be… eeeeeeeeee (hackhackcoughcough) vil…" Korgan said weakly, and then passed out.

            "Wow, I didn't know someone could survive after that undergoing that much torture," Nalia said thoughtfully. 

            Keldorn sighed in a resigned fashion. "SQUIRE Anomen, it is our duty as Knights of the ORDER to help out poor unfortunate folk. Since you're also a priest, start healing this dwarf."

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            "I think I found the rod that we have been searching for, _abbil_," Viconia said in an uninterested tone, picking up half of said rod. The rod half began quivering and then flew out of Viconia's hand and attached itself to the other rod half. 

            "Well, the rod is finally complete! Soon we'll be able to leave these sewers!" Elfangor said cheerfully. 

            Syrina turned and marched back out of the small alcove that held the rod, the others right behind her. And what should they find blocking the path but the Unseeing Eye!

            Out of its single eye, the Beholder shot a ray of dark gray magic, which his Haer'Dalis head on. Starting from his toes and travelling up his body, his skin and any and all organs began to harden and turned to rock. Then the Beholder fired an impressive magical beam, which shattered the Haer'Dalis statue in an impressive fashion.

            Syrina pointed the rod at the Beholder, and it blew up.

            There was much rejoicing.

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            Back at the Temple-City-Thing…

            "Here you go!" Syrina said cheerfully, attempting to hand the rod to the avatar.

            "No, no, no, you're going about this all wrong!" the thing shrieked, "The point of this was that I will be able to convince my followers that I'm still here, and to release them from their pact to me! Go bring them here!"

            "Uh, you never told us that before," Yoshimo ventured.

            "Of course I did! Go get my followers! Drag them in here if necessary!"

            It wasn't necessary. The avatar being destroyed the rod, the followers and guardians all were happy, and the day was saved. The group engaged in gratuitous violence and easily slaughtered the followers of the Unseeing Eye.

            They happily got out of the sewers, reported to the priests, got some cash, and went back to the Bridge District.

                                    *            *            *            *            *          

            "My raven," Haer'Dalis began, "I think it's time I got back to Raelis Shai with the gem--"

            "Shut up, Harry," Syrina snapped, "We need to solve the murders here first."

            "But-"

            "I SAID SHUT UP!"

            "…"

            "You, right there! Kooky old man!" Syrina approached the street bum Rampah.

                                    *            *            *            *            *          

Yes, it's a short chapter this time, but oh well! So, the Unseeing Eye quest is FINALLY OVER. Our heroes now have to solve the murders in the Bridge District, and then they have to give Haer'Dalis back to his bard friends. Which, of course, will end up with them on another adventure.  Will Anomen ever be more than a Squire? Will Keldorn ever get to see his family? Yes, after the next two adventures we have the Amazing Orderly Adventures, so stay tuned!

!! 


	8. What, do you think that this is a LIBRAR...

A/N:    Yes, I haven't updated in awhile… because… I dunno, I forget how the quest goes! So, I shall wrack my brains and attempt to continue my loverly story~

                                    ~ Chapter Eight ~

            Before Syrina could address Rampah, Haer'Dalis grabbed her arm and said urgently, "My raven, I NEED TO RETURN MY @#%)*y#% GEM, AND IF YOU DON'T LET ME RETURN THE #%)*#y% GEM, I AM GOING TO #)*#%)*(#% KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU KNOW, YOU #)*(% #)%*&%#)*!"

            "…"

            "Uh, right. Um, all of you, go and help Harry with his gem problem," Syrina said hesitantly. "I'll, uh, stay here and, uh, solve these murders. Right."

            THUS THE PARTY SPLIT IN TWAIN.

            Group One: Syrina, Elfangor, Elysion, Ulga the Barbarian, and Koorgo the Mighty (AKA "The Bhaalspawn", AKA "Team Alpha")

            Group Two: Haer'Dalis, Anomen, Aerie, Viconia, Jaheira, Yoshimo, Keldorn, Minsc, Boo, Nalia, and Korgan (AKA "The Expendables" AKA "Team Beta")

            "Alpha Group, we shall solve these evilly evil murders!" Elfangor declared in a dramatic voice, snapping into "Captain Commando" mode. "And Beta Group, you shall aid Haer'Dalis in returning his gem!"

            "Y'know, I don't really think we need ten people and one miniature giant space hamster to return something," Yoshimo pointed out.

            "Of course we do!" Minsc declared grandiosely, "because wherever packages need to be delivered, Minsc, Boo, and our friends shall deliver them WITH THE STAMP OF JUSTICE!"

            "…"

            "Aye aye!" Keldorn agreed.

            "We'll keep in touch," Elfangor continued, "with THESE!" He handed Keldorn a walkie-talkie. "Keldorn here shall be the commander of Team Beta! I shall be the commander of Team Alpha!"

            "No you won't! I'M the commander!" Syrina protested, wrenching from his grip the other walkie-talkie.

            "No, I'M gonna be the commander!"

            "No, me!"

            "Uh, bye kids," Jaheira said as "Team Beta" turned and walked to the playhouse/inn.

GROUP ONE:

            "I'M THE #@)%!*$@ COMMANDER!"

            "NO, I AM!"

            "ARE NOT!"

            "Excuse me," Elysion inquired politely of Rampah, the street loon. "I was wondering if you happened to have any evidence that could possibly point to the culprit of a couple of murders!"

            "I have… have… some… SHTUFF."

            "Shtuff?"  
            "I AM THE COMMANDER!"

            "NO, I AM!"

            "Yes, I found it in the crime scene! But, it's MINE! MINE! MINE!"

            "I WANNA BE THE COMMANDER!"

            "TOO BAD, BECAUSE I AM!"

            "Can I have it?" Elysion asked.

            Rampah looked around shiftily. "Uh… I guess… as long as you don't kill me."

            "Why, of course I won't kill you! But… that rat… it's… _looking_ at me. I DON'T LIKE BEING LOOKED AT BY A RAT!"

            "I AM THE COMMANDER!"

            "NO YOU'RE NOT! BECAUSE I AM!"

            "Koorgo like Ulga!"  
            "Ulga like Koorgo!"

            Elysion blasted a random rat to Hell. 

            Rampah curled up in a corner and cried.

GROUP TWO:

            "You have the gem!" Raelis exclaimed, "The gem! The gem! Now I can go get arrested in my home country!"

            "… there's something you didn't tell us about this gem, isn't there," Aerie glared at Haer'Dalis.

            "Well, you see, this is all best explained by a flashback!" Haer'Dalis exclaimed chipperly.

            "Aw, do we have-"

                                                            -FLASHBACK-

            _Location: An alleyway. In another dimension._

_                        ("What's this about another dimension?" Anomen inquired._

_                         "Oh, you're about to find out.")_

            "Hello, random troupe of bards!" said a sinisterly sinister voice. "I am a playwright, and I want you to do this play!"

            "Uh, okay."

            So, the troupe performed the play. Only, it was a BAD play! Oh no!

            A demon in the audience was mad. "Hey, you're acting out my life! This makes me mad! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh. MY WIFE IS WATCHING THIS PLAY!"

            "No kidding," the wife of this demon said, glaring at her husband. "When were you going to mention your 'special friend', dear?"

            "I am going to KILL YOU ALL!"

            "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the troupe ran off the stage, and into another dimension.

- END FLASHBACK –

"-to?"

"Yes."

"If possible, I am more confused now than I was before," Viconia said.

"The gist of it is that we did this play that was about a demon that was having an affair. Except that this was a TRUE STORY. That was going on. And, uh, the demon happened to be in the audience. With his wife. So, uh, we pissed off a demon. Yeah toast."

"… okee."

"So, how did you end up here?" Nalia asked.

Haer'Dalis shrugged. "Beats me."

"We're ready to go back!" Raelis exclaimed, "The gem is a portal between dimensions, and now it's ready to take us back!"

            "WHY are we going back?" a bard asked.

            Silence followed this question.

            "Uh…"

            "HALT! I have found you at last! Now, I'm going to lock you all in jail!" the demon said, falling from the sky. "And if your strange little friends wanna save you, they're gonna have to go through an obnoxious dungeon to do so! Hahahahahahaha!"

            The bards disappeared. But the portal was still open.

            "Should we save the bard?'

            "OF COURSE!" Keldorn proclaimed, "Why, we are the spreaders of peace and justice! WE SHALL RIGHT ALL WRONGS!"

            And, with a dramatic tune playing in the background, Team Beta marched into the portal.

GROUP ONE:

            "I'M THE COMMANDER CUZ THE COMMANDER IS THE BEST PERSON AND I'M THE BEST PERSON!"

            "IF THE COMMANDER IS THE BEST PERSON, THEN I GUESS I'M THE COMMANDER!"

            "JUST GIMME THE DAMN WALKIE-TALKIE!"

            "NO, THE WALKIE-TALKIE IS **MINE**!"

            "Excuse me, mister store owner! Can you please tell me what this is?" Elysion held up the piece of evidence that Rampah had given him.

            "Why, that's a piece of elephant hide!"

            "But where would that come from?"

            "Koorgo like Ulga!"

            "Ulga like Koorgo!"

            "It would come from an elephant!"

            "GIMME THE WALKIE-TALKIE! **_NOW!_**"

            "**_NO!_**"

            "Could you please be more specific?"

            "Well, an elephant hide could come from, oh, a tanner's, a circus, shtuff like that."

            "Okay, thank you! I shall be sure to make sure that the spotted penguins remember your cappuccino."

            Elysion turned and went towards the other witness: Rose, the prostitute.

            "Excuse me, miss, you wouldn't happen to have any evidence about ---- AAAAAAAHHHHH!"

            Rose looked confused. "Uh, what's wrong?"

            "THAT!"

            "What?"

            "**_GIVE! ME! THE! WALKIE! TALKIE!_**"

            "**_IT'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!_**"

            "Koorgo like Ulga!"

            "Ulga like Koorgo!"

            "That… ROCK! It's LAUGHING AT ME! **_I MUST KILL IT!_**"

            Elysion blew up the rock at Rose's feet with a full fireball. When the smoke cleared, she wasn't there.

            "… oh. Oh dear. Oh well!"

            (fanfare) "**This is an unsanctioned use of magical energy!**" boomed a voice.

            Elysion blinked. "Oh dear."

            Twenty Cowled Wizards appeared in a circle, surrounding Faerun's greatest insane mage.

GROUP TWO:

            "Well, we're here! What do we do now?" Aerie asked.

            "We go and right wrongs in the name of the ORDER!" Anomen declared heroically, striking a dramatic pose. A strong wind blew out of nowhere and ruffled his hair in a dramatic fashion.

            "I'm a druid!"

            "I be an evil dwarf!"

            "HEY! IT'S A BEGGAR! OH NO! THE BEGGAR HAS NO MONEY!" Nalia screamed, pointing at a beggar that happened to be walking by, "HERE, MISTER BEGGAR, HAVE THIS MASSIVE AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT ISN'T MINE!"

            "Thanks!" the beggar said, "By the way, my name is Lord Jierdan Fiercrag, reminding you to save my keep!"

            "…" Nalia looked miffed.

            "Hey, what're you doing here?" A demon asked. It was a different demon than before.

            "Uh, we're here to save some bards. Have you seen them?" Yoshimo asked.

            "Oh, yeah, I've seen them. But you can't have them."

            "Why not?"

            "Well, this isn't, like, a library or something. You do not just WALK IN HERE and CHECK OUT a prisoner! This is a PRISON, therefore the people in it cannot be taken!"

            "I don't care! I want the bards!"

"I'm sorry, there are rules!"

            "Break the rules!"

            "I can't!"

            "Learn how to!"

            "It's not allowed!"

            "MAKE IT ALLOWED!"

            "**NO!  YOU DON'T BREAK THE RULES, AND I DON'T BREAK THE RULES, AND THE BARDS STAY HERE YOU LITTLE JERK!**"

            "Someone else talk to him," Jaheira whimpered.

GROUP ONE

            "GIVE! ME! THAT! WALKIE! TALKIE! NOW!"

            "NO! IT'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

            "Uh, hello," Elysion said to the Cowled Wizards.

            "Oh no," said the one wizard who had survived Irenicus' wrath, "it's déjà vu all over again."

            "**THIS IS AN UNSANCTIONED USE OF MAGICAL ENERGY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BLATANTLY GUN YOU DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.**" A Cowled Wizard proclaimed.

            "You know, you don't really have to-"

            All twenty of the Cowled Wizards began to prepare Magic Missile!

            Elysion blew them all up with a Dragon's Breath spell. Yes, that IS a Level Ten Spell.

            The other two members of these Bhaalspawn triplets stared at their brother for a full five seconds before returning to arguing over whom got to hold the walkie-talkie.

            Cowled Wizard Number Ten (the Irenicus Survivor) was cowering behind a rock. "That's it!" he proclaimed, "I quit!" He took off his cowl and walked home.

            Elysion promptly turned and walked into the tanner's house.

            "Sir Tanner! I am here to arrest you!"

            "Grrrrr, I dislike you!" said he (the tanner). He disappeared.

            Elysion shrugged. 

GROUP TWO:

            _Much gratuitous violence later…_

"Well, that was fun!" 

            "Thanks for saving me!" Haer'Dalis said, "I am going to follow you around forever!"

- Well, the day has been saved on both accounts. Hooray hoorah. Now, stay tuned for the next episode: THE ADVENTURES OF THE KNIGHT AND THE SOON-TO-BE-KNIGHT OF THE **_ORDER!_**


	9. The Amazing Adventures of the Order!

- Chapter Nine –

- THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF…

                  THE ORDER! (DUM DUM DUM DUM!)

            "Look Anomen!" Aerie proclaimed, looking at the Sun, "The Sun is rising!"

            "AYE! LIKE A BIRD OF RAW AND FLAMING **POWER**! … you don't talk much, do you?"

            "… I'd talk more if you weren't such a freak!"

            "Okay people! What should we do today?" Syrina asked her party.

            "Me book! We need to get me book!" Korgan proclaimed.

            "No.  Any other ideas?"

            "Well, we are in the vicinity of my house," Keldorn pointed out, seeing as the group was randomly hanging out in the Government district, "So why don't we go visit my wife?"

            "Okay."

                                                *            *            *

            "Hello, family!" Keldorn proclaimed, walking into his house. "Hi Vesper, and Leona! How's school?"

            "Peachy."

            "Okay. Hi Maria!"

            "Hello Keldorn my loving husband!" Maria said joyfully, "Who's the group you're with?"

            "Oh, this is Syrina the Bhaalspawn with her group of adventurers." Keldorn sat down at his dinner table, ignoring the rest of the party. "How are you?"

            "I'm cheating on you."

            "… you know, if you hadn't told me that, I wouldn't have known," Keldorn pointed out.

            "This isn't good."  Aerie volunteered.

            "Nay! It's very bad! WE NEED TO SMITE HER IN THE NAME OF THE ORDER!" Anomen proclaimed. He walked over and slugged her.

            "ANOMEN! You moron! We need to know WHO SHE'S CHEATING ON HIM WITH!" Elfangor roared.

            "… oh."

                                                *            *            *

            _Five hours later…_

"Owwww…" Maria moaned, waking up.

            "Maria, why are you cheating on me?" Keldorn demanded.

            "Keldorn, you were never-"

            **WHAM**!

            "Ow!"

            "ANOMEN, WOULD YOU STOP THAT?!"

            "Alright, before Anomen beats you into unconsciousness, who are you cheating on Keldorn with?" Elfangor demanded.

            "Uh… Sir William of Thorpe, or something like that… my head hurts too much to remember…"

            "Good going Anomen," Viconia sneered.

            "Okay, now that we've figured out the guy's name, maybe we should, I dunno, go talk to him," Yoshimo pointed out.

            "Good plan."

                                                *            *            *

            "Oh, Sir Keldorn!" Sir William exclaimed as the crew walked into an inn in Waukeen's Promenade, "I'm glad you have returned, so that you can now sleep with your wife!"  
            "THOU ART AN EVIL WIFE-STEALER! I SHALL SMITE THEE IN THE NAME OF THE ORDER!" Anomen boldly declared, beating Sir William over the head with a mace.

            "ANOMEN!"

                                                *            *            *

            _Five hours later…_

"Okay, so why did you seduce my wife?" Keldorn demanded.  The triplet Bhaalspawn had been assigned to hold Anomen back if he decided to go 'smiting' people again.

            "Well, the fact of the matter is you're never home. So, I decided to keep her company. But now I don't have to, cuz you're back! From outer space! I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face! I should've-"

            **WHAM!**

            "Ow!"

            "Thank you Anomen."

            "It's time to go right wrongs and triumph over evil. Let's go."

            The group left.

            Sir William, with a considerably large headache, sat down at the bar. He felt rather proud of himself. He had repaired a broken relationship, and –

            Anomen walked back into the inn, and, ranting about the Order, beat Sir William over the head with a mace.

                                                *            *            *

            "Well, everything's peachy." Keldorn proclaimed. "I'm going to take a five-day vacation. Bye bye!"

            "Well, that was fun. And easy. And, except for Anomen, involved no gratuitous violence. Now, what should we do?"

            "We need to get me book!" Korgan announced.

            "No. Any other ideas?"

            "I'm a druid!"

            A messenger ran up. "Mister Anomen! I have a letter to you from your father!"

            Anomen read the letter. 

                        "'Dear Anomen, 

                                    How's it going? I went shopping today and bought quite a bit of new things! By the way, your sister is dead. Why don't you come and visit more often? 

                                                            Hugs and kisses-

                                                                        Dad'

             Oh dear. WE MUST GO TO MY HOUSE!" Anomen proclaimed.

                                                *            *            *

               "ANOMEN! YOU'RE A MORON! YOUR SISTER IS DEAD, AND THIS GUY KILLED HER! MORON!" Lord Cor proclaimed upon the group entering the Delyrn estate.

            "He's a lot nicer on paper," Jaheira observed. "Also, I'm a druid!"

            "Uh… proof?" 

            "WE MUST GO KILL THE MAN WHO MURDERED MY SISTER!" Anomen declared.

            "No."

            "But-"

            "No. That's NOT ORDERLY."

            "But-"

            "Okay, we're going to go report this to the local magistrate, therefore not spilling any blood," Syrina said with a sadistic smirk.

            "But I need to avenge my sister!" Anomen said hopelessly.

            "Nope."

                                    *            *            *            *            *          

            And thus the day was saved! (dum dum dum DUM!)

            "Ummmm… so what do we do now?" Aerie asked.

            "We could go get me book!" 

            "No. Anything else?"

            "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP! THERE'S EVIL WOLVES EATING MY HOUSE! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!" A little kid screamed, running up.

            "Where do you live, kid? We'll help you!" Elfangor proclaimed.

            "I live in the Umar Hills. Go save my people!" And then the kid sat down.

            "WE MUST SAVE THE PEOPLE!" Minsc proclaimed, striking a dramatic pose. Boo squeaked.

            "Ulga like Koorgo!"

            "Koorgo like Ulga!"

~ And so our heroes embarked on their next quest! Seeing as I'm extremely lazy, I shall continue this quest… next time! ~


	10. Oh, beat me with a stick I wish I were p...

Generic Disclaimer: I own not the game upon which this fanfic is based. Except that I do. It just cost me money instead of earning me some. 

Author's Note: Yeah, this story's been going downhill.  I've been extremely uninspired as of late, and I have no idea why. However… this chapter's gonna be different. It will. It will.

                                                ~ Chapter Ten ~

            The weary troupe of adventurers finally made it to Imnesvale in the Umar Hills.

            The city was a bustling little burg, perfectly peaceful… except for the armed mob with pitchforks in the center of the town.

            "Minister! We're being eaten by wolves!"

            "Wolves? No way – those are ogre bites!"

            "Ogres? Ogres are nice people! Those are definitely witch bites!"  
            "What? Witches don't bite people!"

            "True, but those are UMAR the witch's bites. She's evil!  
            "Witches don't bite people!"

            "How do YOU know?"

            "I'm an expert on witches!"

            "No you're not, you're the town drunkard!"

            "…so? ::shuffles off::"

            "Well, it's clearly wolves anyhow."

            "No it's not. The ogres are eating them!"

            "No, Umar is doing it!"

            "But witches don't eat people!"

            "Maybe she's actually an wolf! A witch-wolf!"

            " 'Witch-wolf'? There's no such thing as a 'witch-wolf'!"

            "You're right! That's because she's actually an OGRE-WITCH!"

            "Maybe an ogre-witch-wolf?"

            "PEOPLE!" The minister roared, waving his hands to get the attention of the crowd, "COULD YOU GET BACK ON TRACK?"

            "MINISTER, YOU HAVE TO SAVE US FROM UMAR THE OGRE-WITCH-WOLF!"

            "Dude, there's no such thing as an 'ogre-witch-wolf'!"

            "There is now, apparently. She's eating people!"

            "UMAR IS NOT EATING PEOPLE!"

            "It's the wolves!"            

            "No, it's entirely the ogres!"

            "The wolves are eating the ogres!"

            "Why would they do that?"

            "Because the witch-wolf told them to!"

            "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A WITCH-WOLF!"

            "Of course there is! She's eating the ogre-wolves!"

            "But why would the ogre-witch-wolf tell the ogres to eat the wolves? Or was it the wolves to eat the ogres… I'm confused…"

            "Who am I and what am I doing here?"

            "WOULD YOU PLEASE CALM DOWN?" Minister Lloyd shouted.

            " 'Calm down'?! How can we calm down when we're being eaten by wolves?"

            "Ogres!"

            "Umar the evil witch! Wolf! Ogre!"

            "I! HAVE! HIRED! ADVENTURERS! TO! SAVE! US!" Minister Lloyd screeched, jumping up and down, "SO SHUT UP AND GO HOME!"

            The crowd dispersed, still arguing about who was in fact eating them.

            Minster Lloyd and his wife shared a look of exasperation before heading home themselves.

            "Well, who's up for some ogre-witch-wolf smiting?" Syrina Adrian, daughter of Bhaal, asked with a shrug.

            "I be an evil dwarf!" Korgan proclaimed.

            "Good for you."

            "This is definitely an imbalance in nature!" Jaheira proclaimed. She waved her club around in the air, "We're going to hunt down the bastard who's disrupting nature like this, and WE'RE GOING TO RIP HIS (or her) THROAT OUT WITH OUR BARE HANDS! Because I am a druid that I am."

            "But, I'm scared to go in the woods," Aerie whimpered, "It's scary! And dark! And eeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil…"

            "Quiet, child! It is a sanctuary of nature, and I'm a druid, and I'm telling you right now that YOU'RE GONNA GO IN THOSE WOODS AND YOU'RE **GONNA ENJOY IT**!" Jaheira roared in Aerie's face.

            "Yes ma'am…"

            "Boo doesn't like ogres. Boo also doesn't like wolves. But Boo likes the occasional witch. So let's go commence in righteous wolf-ogre-witch butt-kicking!" Minsc proclaimed grandiosely, holding up Boo as he did so. Boo squeaked.

            "My lady, I believe-" Anomen began to speak.

            "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you." Syrina growled dangerously.

            Anomen looked thoughtful for a moment.  _Wait a minute! With Sir Keldorn gone, I can be as self-righteous and holier-than-thou as I want to! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!_

"NAY! You are not even CLOSE to being a member of the ORDER, thus I am better than you! In the name of the ORDER, we must do all that we can to right the wrongs in the unorderly place! And when we're done, they will rename this place Anomensvale. Yes, I do rather like the sound of that. The town will also be so indebted to me that they will pay me large sums of money in the form of 'Anomen Rocks' taxes that I will place upon MY city."

            "Money!" Yoshimo exclaimed, looking up, "I like money. Money is good. Irenicus has promised me lots of money if I betray you. And rest assured that I will. Because as strangely amusing as you people are, money is more useful. And more pleasant to be around."

            "That it is," Elfangor agreed, hitting Yoshimo on the back in a hearty manner. The second elven Child of Bhaal flashed a huge, charismatic, cheesy grin. "Which is why after I gut you (after you betray us, of course) I'm going to take and sell all of your worldly possessions, and keep your bounty money for myself in one of my many overseas accounts."

            "I have money! Lot's of money!" Nalia proclaimed. "Look! There's a whole lot of poor people in this little village! I'll go give them lots of money, because I'm better than all of you!" She ran off to give alms to the poor.

            "Stupid elven _riiven_," Viconia sneered. The rest of the party looked at her. "What? It's not a complete day if I don't insult you morons at least once."

            "Ulga like Koorgo!"

            "Koorgo like Ulga!"

            Elysion, the third Bhaalspawn, looked thoughtful. "As it is, we haven't even accepted any jobs, and we most certainly haven't been offered any! If you all unanimously agree to take on this quest, then we must proceed with all due haste to the home of the minister!"

            "Wow, that actually sounded intelligent!" Syrina marveled.

            "Of course it did," Elysion replied smugly, "Because I'm smart." His facial expression changed to one of shock. "Oh no!"

            "What?"

            He didn't respond, but turned to a small grove of trees. "THEY FOLLOWED ME HERE, JUST AS I SUSPECTED THEY WOULD!"

            "What did?"

            "THE TREES! THEY'VE BEEN FOLLOWING US ALL OF THE WAY FROM ATHKATLA! BUT… but I never suspected they'd grow so bold as to initiate a confrontation here!" Elysion began chanting as a fireball began pulsating between his hands. "YOU DARE TO ATTACK ME HERE? DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHO YOU FACE?!"

            "Uhm, my chicken… those are trees. They can't hurt you." Haer'dalis said timidly. 

            "FEEL MY UNHOLY WRATH!"

            The group shielded themselves from the massive explosion that shocked the whole of the Umar Hills. When the smoke cleared, the grove of trees was no more.

            "Look at what you've done!" Jaheira roared, hitting Elysion on the back of the head, "Ye've gone and destroyed nature! I'm a druid."

            "What on Earth (which we're not on, coincidently enough) was that explosion?" Minister Lloyd demanded, racing out of his house, clad in a big bathrobe. "Hey! Wait! You're a group of adventurers! Care to help with my little ogre slash witch slash wolf problem?"

            "How much money will you pay?"

            "Uhm, I may give you the lint in my pocket, because after the LAST adventuring party that's really all I have," the minister blushed to the roots of his hair.

            "There was another group of adventurers?" Syrina asked.

            "Oh yes! They were led by a halfling woman named Mazzy Fentan! They left about a week ago and haven't come back! And I gave them a veritable gold's mine of wealth, too…"

            "That… that's quite a lot of money, if I understand correctly," Elfangor whispered, drooling.

            "WE NEED TO GO HELP THOSE POOR ADVENTURERS! COME! FAME AND FORTUNE AWAITS US IN THE DREADED… uh… 'dreaded'… where are we going?" Anomen finished lamely.

            "You'll have to go check out the cottage one of our finest rangers… I forget her name… well, she lives off to the west of the town. You'll have to brave your way through vicious bloodthirsty beasts, but hey. It'll help, I bet. Ta ta!" The minister gave them a hearty wave and walked back to his home.

            "…"

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            "I don't know what that minister was on, but this isn't helping us in the slightest," Nalia whined, shifting from foot to foot while standing in the ranger's cottage.

            "Hey! I found something!" Elfangor exclaimed joyfully, holding up a book, "It's her diary!"

            "You can't read that! You can't just READ SOMEONE'S DIARY! Especially a girl's!" Syrina chastised him, grabbing the diary from him.

            "… she's dead."   

            "It's the principle of the thing. Hmm… 'The wolves are coming! The wolves are coming… from the west! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! The wolves are here! They've broken into my home! Now one's eating my leg… it hurts… oh, there goes my arm… ouch…' Okay people! The wolves are from the west!"

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            And so our esteemed heroes found themselves in a pitch-black woods… at noon. 

            "I'm afraid of the dark!" Aerie whimpered, "Can we camp now, PLEASE?"

            Syrina, in front of the group, just ignored her.

            "Uhm, my dove… you have infrared vision," Haer'Dalis reminded her, but wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders in the process, "but rest assured, should any evil zombie wolves attack you, I – Haer'Dalis, Bard of Sigil -  shall protect you."

            Elfangor glared at his competition, but chose to say nothing. Oooooooooooh, he'd regret going after his girl, ooohhh yes…

            "It may be very well for Aerie, being an elf," Anomen grumbled, "but I do not have infrared vision, thus cannot see. I insist we set up camp!"

            "So what – then the wolves will have a stationary target that's asleep as opposed to a moving target that's at least somewhat prepared for an attack?" Yoshimo said with a bemused expression on his face. 

            "Oh, and don't forget that it's noon NOW, so it's not going to be any brighter no matter how long we camp," Jaheira finished, unable to resist the opportunity to insult Anomen.  Heck, there's no one out there who could REALLY resist the opportunity to insult Anomen.

            Anomen's lower lip trembled. "I… I… damn you and your logic! MY LADY, PEOPLE ARE MAKING FUN OF ME AGAIN! But hey, who wants to hear about that? Here, my lady, let me tell you about how I became a PRIEST OF HELM!" And he went off to walk with Syrina. 

            "Rather than goin after these evil wolves, we should be goin after me book, cuz I-" Korgan began his tirade, which every in the party finished in perfect unison with him- "be an evil dwarf!"

            "Look everyone!" Elysion pointed forward with excitement, sounding much like an extremely enthusiastic tour guide, "It's the temple of Amaunator, the now-dead god of the Sun! Well, it WAS the temple of Amaunator until it was twisted and corrupted by a Shade Lord, who has kidnapped Mazzy and possessed Merella the Ranger! Oh, and he has a pet dragon. Which is black."

            "I could afford a pet dragon, with my vast amounts of wealth!" Nalia added chipperly. "But I hate rich people! Oh, do I ever! They're snotty and obnoxious, and they flaunt their wealth everywhere! Oh, beat me with a stick I wish I were poor! Like you guys!"

            "… can I?" Syrina asked after a long pause.  
            "What?"

            "Beat her with a stick."

            "Oh, go ahead!"

            Syrina grabbed a large tree branch and chased Nalia with it into the old temple of Amaunator.

                                    *            *            *            *            *

            Mazzy Fentan, paladin-wannabe ranger extrodonaire, was sitting in a locked cell, all alone.

            Alone. So very alone.

            Except for, of course, the five shade wolves outside of her cage. 

            "Haha, Wild Draw Four!" The one with the key laughed, placing down said card. The wolf to his left sighed in a resigned tone and drew four cards. "I change the color to – hey, what the-"

            Nalia ran by, with the tree-brandishing Syrina running by not five seconds later.

            The wolves looked at eachother, shrugged, then continued their game. "…red."

 "Uno!" one declared, placing down a red card. The wolves sighed.

"The temple is dark and creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy…" Aerie whispered.

"Hey look, it's a bunch of Uno-playing wolves and a halfling in a cage!" Minsc declared, "Boo says that he has yet to lose a game of Uno. Right Boo?"

"Squeak squeak, squeakums!" _Twelve-time reigning Uno champ! …yeah, I rock._

"Uhm, my good sirs and ladies, if you wouldn't mind – that one has the key to my cell… could you possibly save me?" Mazzy asked meekly. 

Meanwhile, Nalia and Syrina had run unexpectedly into a massive statue of who they assumed was Amaunator. 

"SPEAK THE RITUAL OF THE SUN, IF YE BE TRUE BELIEVERS OF THE LORD OF THE SUN. Here, now it's easy Multiple Choice Ritual Chanting! Just pick a phrase, and if you're right, you can pick another phrase! If you're wrong I'll smite you with the Flames of Smitingness."

            "How about if I just pay you LOTS of money?" Nalia suggested charismatically.

            "Hmm… how much are we talking here?"

            "I could give you my keep! I don't want it anymore."

            Syrina stared at Nalia with the expression on her face a mix between horror and anger. 

            "…deal. Here, have a third of a Sun symbol. Put it all together and something real neat'll happen. Good bye, dark temple, hello new keep!" And the statue disappeared.

            Nalia skipped back the way they came, and Syrina began twitching.

            "Come on my lady, I haven't finished telling you the tale of how I became a priest! Then, Helm HIMSELF came down from the heavens and said 'Hey, Anomen, you're so much better than me, but if you wouldn't mind, would you be one of my priests?' and I said, 'Sure!' but then my father said, 'No, he sucks blahblahblahblahblah…" Anomen grabbed Syrina by the arm and dragged her back to where Boo was playing Uno with the wolves.

            "Squeak squeakie squeak squeakems squeak squeak."_ "Yeah, Guard Wolf, I said Uno. What now? Huh? You don't HAVE a wild draw four, do ya? Nope, just a Wild. This is it… if you pick the wrong color, then I WIN. So whatcha gonna do, boy?" _

The guard wolf looked flustered, staring at the Wild in his paw. He had to use it – there was no other choice. But… "I… chose BLUE!"

            "Squeak." "_I win!"_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The five wolves faded into oblivion.

"Thank you for rescuing me!" Mazzy exclaimed, once she had been freed from her cell, "In my humble gratitude, I'm going to follow you around forever!"  
            "Why am I not surprised…"

-Well, our heroes have saved Mazzy and have "successfully" infiltrated the evil Shade Lord's lair! But… will they be able to defeat the Shade Lord once they find him? IF they find him? And what about that dragon? Stay tuned for Chapter Eleven to see the exciting conclusion to this quest! -__

-I would also like to thank any and all reviewers of this story from the depths of my soul! I've been seriously in the mood to write recently, and I've also been re-playing the game ("damn you Haer'Dalis! Just flirt with Aerie already!"), so I should be writing more often now! In fact, I finished this quest just today… So yes, thank you for your reviews and by all means, keep reviewing? Cuz hey – why not?-


	11. It's TACTICS!

- Author's note – I do not own Baldur's Gate II in the sense that I am getting profit from it. In fact, I had to spend money to buy it. Alas, it cannot be helped. 

- Author's Note Part Two – Keep the review's coming, my friends! They mean a lot to me ^_^

- On with the story!

-Chapter Eleven-

            _"Thank you for rescuing me!" Mazzy exclaimed, once she had been freed from her cell, "In my humble gratitude, I'm going to follow you around forever!"  
            "Why am I not surprised…"_

"I ought to explain how to get out of here!" Mazzy looked thoughtful. "First, you have to gather SUN STONES.  Then, you have to kill the dragon. THEN, you have to kill the Shade Lord! Well, let's hop to it!"

            "…sure."

            And so the valiant party began their valiant quest. Eventually, they came to the cave of, well, a massive black dragon. 

            "Let's just keep walking," Syrina whispered, holding up a black stone given to her by a bunch of ghosts, "With this, the dragon won't even know we're here!"

            "Okay, folks, here's the scoop. We're going to surround the dragon on all sides! Fighters; meaning Anomen, Korgan, Koorgo, Ulga, Syrina, Yoshimo, Minsc, Mazzy, and Jaheira; surround the dragon on all sides.  Form a nice pretty circle."

            "What about you?" some people inquired in unison, noticing the Elven thief's lack of inclusion.

            "I will be hiding in the shadows, giving moral support."

            "But, if we're ALL going to kill the dragon… shouldn't we ALL help?" Aerie squeaked.

            "No, no, no, this is TACTICS, my dear elf. You, as a mage, will stand back with Elysion, Viconia, and Nalia.  Haer'dalis! You will serve as dragon bait."  
            "… my emu, I don't think I understand as to WHY-"

            "TACTICS, my friend, TACTICS! The dragon will, upon awakening, see you first, and thus attack you!"

            "… that's my point."

            "It's mine too, buddy."

            "… this is because I've flirted with yon dove, isn't it?"

            "Noooooooooooooooooooooo, of course not! Why would I do something so evil as to make you dragon bait JUST BECAUSE you flirted with one of my girls?"  
            " 'One of your girls'?" Jaheira echoed, looking pissed.

            "Don't worry, you're one of them too!" Elfangor replied charismatically. "You see, ALL the girls are my girls, therefore flirting with any of them (except for my sister, of course) would be an insult to my manhood! That's why, my 'sparrow', you are dragon bait. Well, that's what I WOULD say, if I were a petty, vindictive, evil person. Which, of course, I'm not.  Everyone ready?!"

            The entire party glared at him.  

            "All right! Attack the dragon!"  
            "Hey! We have this dragon stone! We don't have to fight the dragon! Look – we've been arguing about the best way to KILL him, and he hasn't even woken up! Let's just KEEP WALKING!" 

            "Sister, sister… the dragon has money. Lots of it.  Because, keep in mind, we don't have any money."

            The twins glared at Nalia.  Who sweat dropped.

            "Hmm, I wonder what will happen when I blow up this rock!" Elysion said thoughtfully, grabbing the Dragon ward stone from his sister.

            "What is it with you highly-powerful mages and your STUPID EXPERIMENTS?!" Syrina roared as Elysion's hands began glowing, "THE DRAGON WILL WAKE UP!"

            "Now now, you can't PROVE that," and then the rock was set aflame.

            One large reptilian eye popped open. 

            "Oh, great. More adventurers. Ah well. Ahem. Greetings, puny mortals! I am Thaxll'ssillyia. And… seeing as you're here… I suppose I shall have to consume you."

            "I don't like that idea. I personally don't find that necessary," Haer'dalis argued. He, being the one closest to the dragon and the 'dragon bait', became the party's diplomat.

            "Well, you see… it actually is QUITE necessary for a number of reasons. One reason is that there are thirty of you, all standing in my home, all with deadly weaponry drawn."

            "THAT'S JUST TACTICS!" Elfangor squeaked from the shadows.

            "The second reason being that I must assume that since you are in my home with these weapons, you are thieves come to steal my dragonish treasure.  Seeing that is how it is, I am inclined to defend my dragonish treasure from you, the dragonish treasure thieves.  Also, my biological instincts tell me to smash and utterly destroy smaller non-dragonish creatures, i.e. yourselves."

            "Ulga no like dragon," Ulga volunteered. 

            "Koorgo no like what Ulga no like, so Koorgo no like dragon."

            "Ah ha! My salamander, I believe we can come to a compromise! Seeing as we, being the aforementioned 'dragonish treasure thieves', have no desire to be eaten, we will attempt to appease you with a sacrifice.  Those two half-orcs."

            No one voiced any objections to this arrangement.

            Thaxll'ssillyia looked as thoughtful as a giant lizard could possibly look. "Well… I suppose it IS possible… half orcs are very meaty, thus they go very well with ranch dressing.  Mmmm… half orc and chicken salad. I can almost taste it now. Very well, mortals – you may pass, as long as you don't attempt to steal --- hey. Where'd my dragonish treasure go? I was certain that it was right here, just a moment ago…"

            Elfangor, dragging a bag larger than himself behind him, cackled evilly as he slinked towards the exit.  

            Syrina looked at the dragon, to Elfangor, to the dragon, and back to Elfangor. "Wow. He's good. Oh, and another thing… ARE YOU NUTS?!"

     "No… I'm just RICH! Ha ha!"

            The dragon snarled, acid vapors escaping from its nostrils. 

            "Guess we get to fight the dragon after all!" Anomen declared dramatically, pulling out his mace. He rushed forward, the mace gleaming in the … er… darkness.  He smashed the mace against the dragon's leg.

            It broke. 

            The mace, not the leg.

            "Oh dear." 

            The dragon stepped on him, making a beeline towards Elfangor and his treasure.  On the way, he breathed on the vast majority of the party. Now, this may not sound too terrible, but remember, this is a dragon we're talking about.  Unfortunately for him, Haer'dalis took the full blow of the dragon's acid.  The greenish black acid seeped through Haer'dalis' bardic chain mail, melting it upon contact. The acid made contact with his skin, causing it to actually melt.  He screamed in pure, tortured agony, as he was reduced to a mere puddle on the ground.  

            The fighters of the party leapt forward while the mages began casting huge magical spells. 

            Elfangor screamed in terror and hid behind his newfound wealth.

            "Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah… meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh… haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh… HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

        Everyone in the room turned to gaze at a massive beam of chi energy racing towards the dragon. The dragon's expression was one of horror as the beam hit him head on.

            The party looked at the smoldering pile of ash that used to be a dragon.

            Then they looked to Haer'dalis, who was breathing heavily, his hands smoking and extended.

            "Holy shit."

                                                *            *            *            *            *

            The party, now considerably wealthier, exited the cave.  

            The body of Merella, the ranger, stood facing them. When she spoke, however, the voice was male, although barely.  "Heeheehee! My consort! I'm going to possess you, Mazzy, because you are short!"

            "Yes, she's very short!" everyone said in unison.

            "You will never possess me, foul creature! For I shall smite you, in the name-"

            "OF THE ORDER!" Anomen finished.

            "… well, I wasn't going to say that, but… uhm… yes! Of the Order!" Mazzy looked a tad frightened. 

            "Nothing gets SMOTE," here Anomen looked smug, "unless it's in the name of the Order. And when we are finished here, we shall leave to go smite my love nemesises. Uhm… hmm… my love's nemesis? Nemesees?"

            Patrick the shade, a cruel and twisted form of the man who was once Mazzy's boyfriend, pounced forward like a predatory cat. He landed upon Haer'dalis, and began tearing the pale flesh from the bard's torso and neck.  The shade's venomous touch left Haer'dalis paralyzed, but the pain that the bard was experiencing was evident by the look on his face. It was clear after a moment that he was dead, but his body was so twisted and mauled that he couldn't have been at peace, wherever he had gone.

            "Nemesi? Nemesos?"

            "Uhm… CHARGE!"

            Nalia tripped on a rock, her non-magic dagger flying from her hand. It scratched the Shade Lord's foot.

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU HAVE KILLED ME?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" and then he died.

            "… yay?"

            "Nemeses!"

                                                *            *            *            *            *

            "Well, thanks for saving our town. Have a nice day!" 

            "… reward?"

            "Oh, alright… here, have some leather armor! It's maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagic."

            "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

            "Well, how much money do we have?" Syrina inquired.

            "Uhm… six gold pieces." Viconia counted. 

            "WHAT? What happened to, oh, ALL OF THE MONEY FROM THE DRAGON?! **ELFANGOR!**"

            "What? Why are you accusing me of something so serious? The dragon only HAD five gold pieces.  Well… make that fifty thousand and you'd be closer, after you include all of the gems that the dragon had in its treasure storage, but … hey! Who's really counting?"

            Syrina twitched. "Should I kill you, or make you wish you were dead?"

            "Hey! There's a maaaaaaaaaaaaaagic scrooooooooooooooooooll."

"It's a piece of paper."

"No, it's a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagic scrooooooooooooooooooll."

"It's a piece of paper."

"No, it's a-"

"You ARE clear on what exactly a scroll is, aren't you?"

"You could sell it!"

"For all of ten gold pieces."

"You could keep it! It's used to make a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagic hammer!"

"I could kill you, too. Wait, no, I'm thinking large amounts of torture.  No, torture's an understatement."

And so the party rested that night, still arguing over the importance of the "magic scroll", and what exactly happened to all of the money.

You'd have to ask the First Bank of Evermeet.

~So, Immesvale is saved! What quest will our party go on next? Will they ever save up enough money to save Imoen? Do they even remember why they're trying to save money? How's Keldorn doing with his wife? You'll have to stay tuned to the NEXT exciting chapter! ~


	12. Conversations with druids

- Author's Note – Yes! Chapter twelve! Read! Review! And have fun! ^_^ - 

~Chapter Twelve~

            "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT! YOU GUYS SKIPPED MEETING ME!"  

            The group was still in Immesvale, idly hanging around the town square, when a ranger ran down from the hills.

            "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! I WAS WAITING, IN MY COTTAGE, ALL ALONE, AND YOU GUYS DIDN'T PICK ME UP!" the ranger roared, looking peeved.

            Syrina sadly lifted her Player's Guide. "I was holding out hope…"

            "You were planning on leaving him behind by never establishing communication?" Mazzy raised an eyebrow. Maybe this Bhaalspawn wasn't so noble after all…

            "Hey, I can dream…"

            "My name is Valygar," said the ranger, bowing, "And we need to kill some Cowled Wizards and my 500 year old ancestor."

            "Not interested."

            "Too bad."

            "We also need to be gettin' me book, but ye don't see us be doin' that!" Korgan roared angrily, waving his axe around. "Me book's just sittin in the crypt, and we be just sittin in this here town! I be an evil dwarf! Evil dwarf's don't loiter!"

            "I'm a druid, and I say that you need to sit here and get in touch with nature. SO GET IN TOUCH WITH NATURE!" Jaheira roared in typical Jaheira fashion, beating Korgan on the head with a club.

            "Syrininerimina, why are Ulga, Koorgo, Syrininerimina and all Ulga's friends sitting in funny little town when Ulga could be crushing?" asked Ulga the Barbarian.

            "Because, Ulga, there's nowhere else to go," Syrina replied, trying her hardest to keep her temper in check, knowing how pointless it was to kill Ulga. She'd just get back up. She ALWAYS just got back up. Syrina began sobbing at that point.

            "There be lots of places to go! We need to get me book!"

            "We need to kill the Cowled Wizards."

            "We need to visit the Harpers! Because I'm a Harper! And also a druid."

            "We need to visit Renal Bloodscalp in the Docks District so that he doesn't kill me. Because, you see, I may be a brazen traitor, but I'm also a thief. And I'd rather not be backstabbed by an assassin before I can collect my bounty on you guys," Yoshimo gave a peace sign.

            "We need to HELP THE POOR!" Nalia declared, "OH MY GOD, IT'S A POOR PERSON! HERE, POOR PERSON, TAKE OUR MONEY!"  
            "All six coins of it," 

            "Thanks for your money, Nalia-girl. Oh, and this is Lord Jierden Firkraag, reminding you to save my keep."

            "WAIT!" Syrina roared before he could mysteriously return to his keep, "HOW DO YOU SPELL YOUR NAME?!"

            " 'Firkraag'." 

            "Oh. Okay. Thank you. I've been spelling it wrong all of this time…"

            "Rest assured that we will be to your keep soon to brutally murder you and re-steal my – er, OUR, money," Elfangor informed him.

            "Try it, Elfangor-boy." And he disappeared.

            "You surfacers are the epitome of stupid," Viconia sighed, rolling her eyes, "And I hate you all. Each and every one of you. Ah, I feel a bit better… … … morons."

            "WE NEED TO VISIT THE ORDER SO THAT I CAN TAKE (and pass!) MY KNIGHTLY TEST! But I don't think I can, therefore I am sad. Hold me, my love!" Anomen declared, throwing himself into Syrina's arms, who promptly pushed him away from her and slugged him across the face.

            "Hey!" Aerie voiced timidly, "I just remembered! Keldorn! It's certainly been more than three days since we left him with his wife!"  
            "… you HAD to remember, didn't you…" Syrina mumbled. 

            "This sparrow suspects that yon raven is plotting to make sure that all of us mysteriously disappear, isn't she?" Haer'dalis asked Elysion, who shrugged.

            "I suppose so, but she'll never get rid of that penguin that's been following her around. Don't you see it? It amazes me that she still hasn't killed it, seeing as it's fairly brightly colored (fluorescent pink IS bright, I suppose), and she isn't the most agreeable of people. Ah, well, she's family, and you can't chose family."

            "Erm… penguin? I see no penguin, except for yon Rock-hopper penguin," here Haer'dalis pointed at Anomen, who was still attempting to staunch the bleeding in his nose.

            "You see the penguin?!" Elysion looked amazed. "Yes! I have finally encountered one as gifted as I! You shall have to become part of my experiments. You'll have to do until I can kidnap Khelben Blackstaff. Or maybe his wife… hmmm… "

            "… of course, my chicken."

            "Haer'dalis, why do you call everyone after birds?" Aerie asked him with a giggle.

            "Because, my dove, it's just so much more fun and interesting to refer to them all as fowl instead of their actual names. Although it gets a tad confusing for this sparrow to remember which bird goes to which person. Here's my list:

Syrina ..........………. raven

Elfangor ........……… emu

Elysion .........………. chicken

Minsc ...........………. hound (and hamster)

Aerie ...........………. dove

Yoshimo .........……. bloodhound

Anomen ..........…… Rock-hopper penguin

Nalia ...........………. peacock

Haer'dalis ......…….. sparrow

Jaheira .........……… ptarmigan

Keldorn .........…….. condor

Viconia .........……… crow

Korgan ..........…….. ostrich

Ulga the Barbarian. rock

Koorgo the Mighty.. Ulga bird

Valygar…………………. Dodo bird" 

Mazzy……………………. hummingbird

            "Uhm… rock?"

            "Ah, that is all best explained with a flashback!" Haer'dalis exclaimed.

            "Is that really-"

~Flashback~  
  


            "Well then, I have come to a bit of a bind, friend orcs," Haer'dalis approached the two half-orcs, Ulga the Barbarian and Koorgo the Mighty. "For I have found birds for all of our esteemed comrades, but have not for you!"

            "Ulga want be rock!" said she.

            "Uhm… my orc, that is… not a bird."

            "ULGA BE ROCK OR ULGA SMASH PUNY BARD!" the once-happy orc suddenly roared.

            "Okay, okay, you can be a rock… and you, Koorgo?"

            "Koorgo… Koorgo be ULGA BIRD! Because Koorgo like Ulga!"

            "And Ulga like Koorgo!"

            Haer'dalis sweatdropped.

~End Flashback~

            "Ah. Somehow I'm not surprised."

            Meanwhile, the aforementioned orcs were busy in conversation over a butterfly. Or a "flutterby", as the two called it.

            Minsc had put Boo into one of those neat hamster ball-things, and Boo was aimlessly running around in circles.  "We must keep moving lest Boo scratch us all in hard-to-reach places!" Minsc warned.

            "THAT'S IT!" Syrina declared in triumph, "I HAVE GOT A GREAT IDEA!"

            "What's that, oh omnipresent authority figure?" Jaheira asked in a bored tone, "I'm a druid."

            "We are… well, 'we' aren't going to do anything. YOU are all going to do whatever it is you guys do when I'm not ordering you around and you aren't listening to me. **I** am going to get drunk. And that's going to take awhile. So, uhm, have fun!" And she began walking towards the bar.

            "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" someone shouted, running into the town at that precise moment, "TRADEMEET'S GETTIN EATEN BY ANIMALS! BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG ANIMALS! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and then he died from animal-inflicted wounds.

            There was silence.

            "Guess where we're going."

                                                *            *            *            *            * 

            The party arrived in Trademeet in just enough to save a few poor guards from certain death at the paws and legs of a giant spider and an equally giant tiger.

            "What the heck is going on?" Jaheira demanded of a guard, "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING, BECAUSE IT'S NATURE! AND NATURE DOESN'T KILL PEOPLE! UNLESS IT'S CONTROLLED BY DRUIDS! AND I'M A DRUID!"

            "YOU'RE A DRUID?"

            "YES, I'M A DRUID!"  
            "SHE'S A DRUID!" the party echoed.

            "LET'S KILL HER!" another guard shouted.

            "Druids ain't allowed in these here parts!" A huge drunken mob formed in the frontal square, baring pitchforks and flaming stalks of hay and the like.

            Syrina, of course, was all for leaving and making the city save itself, but then Sir Logan, the leader of Trademeet, entered into the promenade, all decked out in his shiny armor.

            "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo…" everyone said in unison.

            "What goes on here?!" he boomed, he voice deep and dramatic.  "Why do you attempt to slay these adventurers?! Why, they may be the key to defeating our foul and evil assailants and restoring peace and prosperity to Trademeet!"

            "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

            "Adventurers! Hearken to me, and allow me to explain to thee the peril that has befallen this once-great city of coin! Rest assured that if you do indeed manage to defeat the evil, we'll pay you big bucks."

            "How much is 'big'?"

            "Rest assured that you've never seen as much money in your life."

            "Hired!" Elfangor declared, of course. At this point, no one was inclined to disagree. They were all too busy being in awe of Lord Logan.

* * * * * * 

            "As you may or may not have noticed," he began, sitting at his desk, "the city of Trademeet has been held under siege from the land itself."

            "That cannot be!" Jaheira proclaimed, looking shocked that Lord Logan would even suggest such blasphemy, "Nature would never attack humans like this! It-"

            Logan decided to (wisely) ignore her. "We have a captured druid downstairs, because if we had put him in the normal jails the people would have massacred him. Sometimes I wonder if that would've been best. Anyhow, this druid has no idea what exactly is going on, but I cannot let him investigate or else the people will revolt against me.  So, I'm asking you fine folks to join with him, get him safely out of the city, a take him where he wants you to go."

            "That could be taken in more than one way, but okay, we're hired." Elfangor answered for the rest of the group. Syrina, of course, looked less than thrilled at the prospect of another party member, but decided that maybe he wasn't as annoying a druid as Jaheira.

            Boy was she wrong.

            The crew left Lord Logan, but before they could make it down the stairs to his own personal jail, they were intercepted with a flustered looking young woman.

            "You! You're adventurers! Maybe you could help me too!" She looked at them pleadingly. "The djinni have taken over our economy! They, apparently, won't leave until they find and kill the person they're after! You ::sob:: have to help us!" then she burst into dramatic tears.

            There was silence on behalf of the group. One half (the sadistic half) was rather repulsed by the woman's antics, while the other half was teary with sympathy.

            Well, needless to say, they accepted this side quest, and proceeded down to have a conversation with the druid.

                                    *            *            *            *            *          

            "Ah, like the pot-bellied pig meets with the truffle, so you have finally decided to meet with me!" the druid greeted them.

            "… what?"

            "Ah, I understand," Jaheira said sagely.

            "I am Cernd, a druid.  Not only am I druid, but I'm a DRUID."

            "I'm a DRUID too! And a HARPER!" Jaheira looked like a kid at a candy store.

            "I was taken prisoner, because the people in this fine town blame the druids for the animal attacks. However, normal druids, such as myself-"

            " 'Normal druids'? Isn't that an oxymoron?" Aerie asked innocently.

            "- all agree that this is some rare phenomenon that must be SHADOW DRUIDS!"

            "Dum dum dum!"

            "Elfangor, would you STOP THAT?!"

            "Sorry."

            "So, where exactly are these evil shadow druids that we must vanquish?" Anomen asked intelligently.

            "Well, like the great oak tree lives in clusters in the wood, so do the Shadow Druids!"

            "You mean Shadow Druids are trees?"

            "Can I kill him?" Viconia asked cheerfully. 

            "Kill me and it would be like killing the wise and prosperous star-bellied sneech while he is being beset by the ravenous hellbound porcupine!"

            "…what?"

            "Take me with you, and keep me alive." He translated. Well, sort of.

            Trusting in his translation, the group began their trek to… well… wherever he was leading them. They weren't quite sure.

*** Is Cernd trustworthy? Will anyone other than Jaheira ever be able to understand him? Will they be able to stop the Shadow Druids? What about Keldorn? Anomen's test? The Harpers? Stay tuned! And be sure to review ^_^ ****


	13. Syrina, I think your hubbiepoo is being ...

-           Chapter Thirteen –

A/N: Yeah, I neglected this baby. Call it what you will, but I call it SCHOOL.  Hang around with enough people who crush your self-esteem on a daily basis while you desperately try to finish your homework, which just keeps coming and coming and coming… all while prepared for the USAD regionals competitions coming up… it's hard to write something halfway decent! Which explains the quality of this chapter.  I love you guys, however.  I really, really do. 

            "CEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" Syrina screeched like a banchee.

            "As the reindeer dons Christmas lights onto his antlers, so your screech hurts my ears."

            "I'M GONNA HURT MUCH MORE THAN YOUR EARS UNLESS YOU TELL US WHERE WE ARE!"

            "As the world spins on the spotted penguin-"

            "ENGLISH, NOT DRUID-ESE!"

            "… we're in the Druid Grove." Cernd finished, actually looked frightened.

            "**WHERE** IN THE DRUID GROVE!?!"

            "The Druid Grove has no maps. It is a wild place! It is a place of solace, beauty and loveliness… and also filled with deadly man-eating vegetation. Not to mention the man-eating creatures. And the man-eating natives."

            "The Druids?"

            "You'd be surprised."

            "I'm a DRUID," Jaheira pointed out.

            "I'm a DRUID as well!" Cernd replied automatically. "But worry not, my companions! Nothing in this grove will harm a druid."

            "…"

            Our group pondered that for a few seconds before replying in perfect unison, "Well, it's nice to know that YOU and JAHEIRA will be JUST FINE!"

            "True."

            "Not all of us are druids here, Cernd," Aerie said with a sigh, "I mean, look. A man-eating troll has already ripped apart Haer'Dalis."

            "Roar!" the man-eating troll said, ripping Haer'Dalis limb from limb before devouring his blood-soaked flesh.  It let out a primal roar before running back to its den. 

            "See?" Syrina pointed at the bloody smear on the ground that was once their bard.

            "Your point has been made, my raven-"

            "That's my phrase," Haer'Dalis muttered.

            "-but… why not enjoy the beauty of nature while you are here instead of focusing upon your task? As-"

            "SOMETHING BIT ME!" Elysion screeched. "I THINK IT WAS A SNAKE!"

            "Highly likely," Cernd told him enthusiastically, "as this particular grove is home to over three HUNDRED poisonous snakes!"

            "Did you just say that with an Australian accent?" Viconia asked, looking scared.

            "It may not be a snake," Jaheira patted Elysion on his head, even as the trembling, convulsing mage stared at the bite on his leg, "it may be the rare Amnian Virprous Vine!"

            "Oh, well, okay then…"

            "…which is far more poisonous than any snake!" Jaheira, too, seemed to be enjoying herself. Ah, druids in nature. 

            "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!"

            "Uhm… Syrina, I think your hubbie-poo is being mugged by giant mushrooms," Elfangor pointed to Anomen, who was, well, being mugged by giant mushrooms.

            "Leave him. And remind me to kill you later. He hasn't even really started hitting on me yet."

            "Okay."

            Cernd pointed to a large tree. "There, my raven-"

            Haer'Dalis actually growled. He's very protective of his copyrights.

            "- is the home of the Shadow Druids."

            There was a nice, long pause of perfect silence as literally everything in the grove stopped making noise.

            "We. Passed. That." Syrina was actually glowing a strange blood red color, "Six. Times."

            "Oh, I know. I just wanted to walk in nature. Like the four-eyed sloth communes with the tree, I-"

            Holding out one hand towards the shadow druid home, Syrina, in an amazing feat, blew the thing up with her ki. Which, yes, she didn't have a chapter before. Her already-blonde hair was considerably spikier.

            "She's a Super Bhaalspawn!" Elysion gasped in amazement before passing out, even as Aerie was trying in vain to suck the poison out of his system. She's so nice.

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUPER BHAALSPAWN! CURSE THE FATES, AND CURSE YOU KAKARROT, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Elfangor roared, dropping to his knees in a gesture of defeat.

            Viconia looked to Haer'Dalis. "What's with all of these Dragonball Z™ jokes?"

            "Who knows."

            Then he was tackled by giant mosquitoes. One of the massive insects plunged its large mouth into Haer'Dalis' neck, draining him of all of the blood that was pumping through his system. He reached for one of his trusted short-swords, and his hand fell upon its perfectly-crafted leather hilt… but it was too late for the poor bard, as he succumbed to his blood loss at that very second.

                                                *          *          *          *          *

            "My thanks to you for your aid in helping me defeat the Shadow Druids, even though I had hoped to do so in the manner of the house cat defeating the ninety-five year old shnoopuf, as it would be in nature, not-"

            "Shut. Up."

            "-as quite so dangerous and destructive and blow-up-y. But hey. Now I'll follow you around forever!"

            "Well, what were you expecting?" Korgan stated plainly to the rather dismayed looks of the rest of the party. "He be a druid! I be an evil dwarf!"

            There was a long pause due to everyone thinking the chapter was ending on that note. But, for reasons unbenknownst to them-

            "You all forgot to destroy the Rakshasha and appease the djinnis," a deep voice informed them, walking over to them with the chink-chink of full plate mail armor.

            "Keldorn!"

            "How did you know that?" Anomen looked a little put-off. He, although he would never admit it, had entirely forgotten about the Rakshasha.

            "Because if you haven't noticed, any and all advice I give is always correct. I'm like your moral compass with a massive two-handed broadsword of smiting power. Now, I have to kill your accursed Drow."

            "Never, rivvil!" Viconia cried, bringing out her weapon. "I shall leave this party if he stays!"

            "And I shall leave this party is SHE stays! So who will it be, Syrina?!"

            There was a long pause before Syrina said, quite simply, "Can both of you leave?"

            The two of them sweat-dropped. Then they began to whisper conspiratorially with eachother, before both announcing in unison, "We have decided to resolve our differences and remain on the party, because both of us want to help you on your quest."

            "Damn."

            "What differences?" Valygar inquired, just as confused as everyone else.

            Mazzy, who of course knew, replied, "One's a paladin. One's a drow. It just won't work."

            "… ah."  
            "Idiot."

            "That was unnecessary."

            "Don't speak unless I tell you to, worm."

            "Okay…"

            "So, let's go… kill the rakshasha, I guess," Elfganor said, his tone also saying, "just so we can get all of you people to shut up and stop confusing me so much."

            And so they did.

** Now, I don't know about you guys, but in my game once Viconia and Keldorn had never even so much as looked at eachother, and very suddenly were trying to murder eachother.  I, after shedding many tears, told Viccy to leave because I happened to be a cleric in that game. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure why I had her along.

*** And Mazzy's really mean to Valygar if you have them on the same party O_O I never figured that out, either.


	14. We've been watching a little too much MX...

Author's Long-arse Note:

I have to thank many, many people for reviewing this story. Because, although I am not the most update-y of writers out there, I wouldn't update at all if it weren't for you guys! You guys ROCK! To the extreme max! … yeah toast. I love you guys .

Especially Magicman/Smokegirl, who reviewed no less than thirteen times! ::much, major glompage::

And I would also like to thank my brother, because it was he who insisted we play a multiplayer game, thus reminding me how much I love Baldur's Gate… and I have to thank my own messed-up-ness, because it took a quasi-mental breakdown to get me to be home enough to write something!

Thus, without further ado…

-Chapter Fourteen –

**The following was written in the diary of Syrina Adrian, Child of Bhaal…**

__

_When Yoshimo betrays us, I am SO going to kick his ass! _

_Seriously!_

_All right, I feel better now._

_We're still in Trademeet – by "we" I mean my dysfunctional party and I. It's kinda nifty, because they made statues of us. Mine's the biggest, because I'm the specialist. Teehee._

No, mine was the biggest!

_The hell… this is MY diary, you jerk!_

I bought it for you!

_With money you stole from me! Now bug off, I'm being DEEP!_

_Basically, we're still here because we can't think of anything else to do. I mean, look at me – I've created a diary! Me! A diary! Feh. I refuse to grab Korgan's book – because I hate him, I refuse to help Jaheira reassociate herself with the Harpers – because I hate them, I refuse to help Valygar kill the Cowled Wizards, because I hate him, and I refuse to have anything to do with Cernd, because I hate him with an undying passion. Oh, and since Yoshimo's going to betray us, I'm not going to help him get on Renal Bloodscalp's good side either. If he gets assassinated, I won't cry. I'm not sure what quests we haven't done yet other than the aforementioned ones... so thus… a list of what we've done._

· _ Nalia's keep_

_· The circus_

_· Haer'Dalis' nutso quest_

_· The skinner murders… my walkie-talkie, dammit…_

_· The Unseeing Eye quest… that only took seven years to finish…_

_· Keldorn's family problems_

_· Anomen's family problems_

_· The evil-shadows-eating-Imnesvale quest_

_· Trademeet's miscellaneous problems_

_Now, ideally, we should be fairly wealthy and not have to do anything else. We need only $15,000 to pay the Shadow Thieves to get Imoen, and we have…_

__

"$15,000 and… one." Syrina said aloud, sounding almost in shock. "We need, without a doubt, fifteen thousand gold. And we have fifteen thousand… and one."

"I thought I was being very generous," Elfangor huffed.

The troupe was loitering around Trademeet, living off the generosity of the people there. They had, after all, destroyed the threat of the druids and the genies. They were awesome. Oh yes.

"You can dance! You can jive! Having the time of your life!" Haer'Dalis sang while he and Aerie disco danced.

"Can we hurry up and go give money to someone in order to find Irenicus?" Yoshimo asked in a bored tone, staring at his katana. "I'm eager to get my money."

"I'm eager to get money too," Syrina replied angrily, "because we don't have any."

"Yes we do!" Elfangor reminded her proudly, "we have just enough!"

"And what, dear brother, are the chances that that single coin won't end up being given to the poor? Or Firkraag?"

"…slim to none," he sighed, looking to Nalia, who was fairly obviously eyeing the bag of coins.

"Don't even think about it!" Syrina snapped at her. Nalia tried her hardest to look innocent, but failed miserably.

"That looks nothing like me," Viconia scoffed at her statue, "Stupid human _rivvil_."

"Do you KNOW any other insult?" Mazzy asked her.

"I don't NEED to know any other. It's an all-purpose insult."

"Ah. I'm a halfling."

"I'm a drow. Rivvil."

"MY LADY!" Anomen roared dramatically, coming out of the hotel to rather glomp Syrina, who was busily hugging the money bag to defend it from the group's thieves. "I FIND MYSELF NEEDING TO GO TAKE MY PALADIN-TEST BACK IN ATHKATLA! THUS I INSIST THAT WE-"

"There's no need to scream – you're strangling me, I can hear you fine!" Syrina choked out, struggling desperately to get out of Anomen's arms.

"- RETURN TO SAID CITY SO THAT I CAN TAKE THE AFOREMENTIONED TEST AND ACCOMPLISH MY DREAM OF BECOMING A KNIGHT! My lady, I spent much of my young childhood being told that I wasn't good enough to do anything by my father, and I've strived to prove him wrong! Now is my chance, and I am nervous! HOLD ME!"

"GAH! GET THE $)(U&$T% OFF OF ME, YOU %#(U#)(&#…"

"Awww, they make such a cute couple!" Elfangor squeaked, "Kinda like you and me, huh toots?" Here he charismatically put his arm around poor Jaheira, who then proceeded to slam her open palm into his nose.

"I am a DRUID." She proclaimed, as if that made all the difference in the world.

"Come, my noble righteous group!" Keldorn proclaimed dramatically, "We must travel back to Athkatla to get that squire into the ORDER!"

"Yes indeed!" Anomen agreed.

"Shut up, squire."

"Yessir."

"What we need to be doin'," Korgan suggested brightly (or, at least, as brightly as it was possible for the self-proclaimed evil dwarf,) "is gettin' me book-"

"NO!"

Korgan sighed. "Someday you'll be seein' the light. Or, rather, the dark, cuz I be an evil dwarf 'n' all."

"Oh shut up."

"ANOMEN DELRYN," Sir Ryan Trawl proclaimed upon the group's entry into the Hall of the Most Radiant Heart, "ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE YOUR PALADIN TEST?"

"I think I'm going deaf," Valygar commented nonchalantly.

"It must be a paladin thing," Yoshimo agreed.

"YES, SIR RYAN TRAWL! I AM FULLY PREPARED TO TAKE MY TEST AND BECOME A PALADIN AND FULL-FLEDGED MEMBER OF THE ORDER!"

"Well, Anomen, you got lucky. We just instituted a brand-new version of the test. Like they plan on changing the SATs, we planned on changing the paladin test," Trawl said brightly, patting Anomen on the shoulder. He looked shocked. "Before, it was just a bunch of questions. You could **lie** through those questions! How were WE supposed to know if you were honest or not?"

" 'Detect evil'?" Keldorn suggested.

Trawl shrugged. "True. But then we watched a little too much MXC and decided to change the rules. And you, lucky you, are the first person to test them."

"Joy," Anomen squeaked. He had a bad feeling about this.

"You have to battle a powerful demon to the death! Anomen, meet Mephistopheles, ruler of I think it's the seventh layer of Hell!"

"Ever since I was defeated in _Neverwinter Nights™: Hordes of the Underdark_, I've been relegated to this," Mephistopheles said with a sigh. "Oh well. Prepare to feel pain the likes of which you've never felt before."

And oh, he did.

Many of the party members looked sympathetic for poor Anomen, who was smashed in to pillars, thrown across the hall of the Radiant Heart, eaten, and pretty much mutilated by the dread Mephistopheles.

Bored with the utter torture of this paladin, Mephistopheles turned his attention to the group that the insignificant paladin had come from. He sniffed the air, detecting the scent of _demon_. Mephistopheles didn't remember if he was a demon or a devil, but it didn't matter. There was demon scent in this place… not demon, no, not quite… _tiefling._

The dread demon/devil/whatever roared in rage and charged the unsuspecting Haer'Dalis, thinking only of the Blood Wars and his obligation to just kill stuff. Mephistopheles pounced on Haer'Dalis, ripping out the tiefling bard's spine in quick tug, then ripped the rest of his body to shreds.

The group cringed. "Just how many ways," Kaymyth asked, "**can** you kill a bard?"

"More ways than can appear in this story," Haer'Dalis said sagely.

"Stupid rivvil." Viconia sneered.

"I'm a DR--------------"

"Well, that didn't go over too well," the prelate said, peering thoughtfully at Anomen's bruised and bleeding body. "But… well, we'll let him be a paladin. Because hey, why not."

"What about me?" Mephistopheles asked.

"Oh, don't worry, you can keep this job." Sir Ryan Trawl assured him.

Mephistopheles shrugged. "Do I get to kill the next one?"

"That's not very Orderly," Keldron told him.

"Like I care?"

"Fair enough."

Elysion cackled maniacally. "Oh, you won't be around for the next one, oh ruler of some level of Hell… I think your eyes would make a nice addition to my collection…" Elysion began laughing psychotically. Outside lightning struck and a storm began. No one noticed.

"I'm a KNIGHT!" Anomen exclaimed.

"INDEED YOU ARE, **SIR** ANOMEN!"

"THANK YOU, **SIR**KELDORN!"

"Heeeey… we still have $15,001!" Syrina exclaimed, "We can go save Imoen!"

"Or… CAN we?" Elfangor mumbled, shuffling his foot on the ground.

Luckily for him, Syrina was too busy being in happy awe to notice.

So, they have enough money to save Imoen… maybe. So where exactly is Imoen? What is Elysion planning? And why is Elfangor nervous? Find out in… the next chapter! Which I promise won't take me six months to write! Dum dum DUM!


	15. Shut up

Obligatory Author's Note: See! It didn't take me six months to write this! Only about a month! Ooga booga!

Author's Note II: I just finished rereading this story, and I realized that, despite the fact Keldorn was supposed to be hanging out with his family, he was right here, making fun of Anomen. Interesting. Must be some more of his Order Powers.

Author's Note III: Oh, and unlike a certain other Bhaalspawness (Talexia, teehee 3 arrow maker), Syrina is very, very vocal about her hatred of the An-Man. Isn't that refreshing? It's not her fault that he kind of ignores her. Anyhow.

Author's Note IV: Yes, I know it's short.

Chapter Fifteen –

"$14,998… $14,999… … … … $14,999…" Syrina gave a sigh and let her forehead hit the stack of gold coins. It hurt, but it hurt so good.

"Hurt so good! Come on baby make it hurt so good! Sometimes LOVE don't feel like it should! You make it hurt so good!" Haer'Dalis sang. Due to his being an actual good bard, no one killed him.

"So, once again, our little group is short of money," Viconia observed, sounding bored. "Meaning that, fearless leader, you may have to indulge one of your party members and perform some of their personal quests. Certainly someone will die along the way that will possess two gold coins."

"Well, I look at it like this," Sryina replied, resignedly pulling out her copy of the player's guide. "I can go-"

"Get me book!" Korgan supplied.

"-yes, get Korgan's book. But I hate Korgan. Terribly. I could also go to the Planar Sphere for Valygar,"

"Death to all mages and my relatives. Death to magic." Valygar deadpanned.

"But Valygar has the personality of a rock, and I hate him. Hate. Hate. So, no."

"I don't like you much, either, **mage**." Valygar sneered.

"Shut up, monotone monkey. Anyhow, I could take Jaheira back to visit her harper friends, but the fact of the matter is, when it's all said and done, I hate Jaheira too. Luckily for me, she's off with Cernd talking to trees. Did I mention that I hate him too?"

"No, but it would be sort of redundant," Viconia informed her, sitting down next to her. "You hate everything and everyone. You would make an excellent drow, if you were not, in fact, a stupid elven rivvil."

"Is it 'rivvil' or 'rivvin'?"

"I'm not really sure. I think it changes periodically. But you get the idea, don't you?"

"Hard not to."

"MY LADY!" Anomen proclaimed, walking over, arms spread wide and his face beaming with joy. "IT IS A MOST JOYOUS DAY! I HAVE PASSED MY TEST, AND BECOME A FULL MEMBER OF THE ORDER! Let's get it on!"

"…I… what?!"

Viconia snickered.

"Truly, my lady, I would never have passed my test without your most wondrous council! Therefore… well, my lady, have you ever had hot sex with a knight of the ORDER?!"

Syrina, miraculously, was still focused on "I would never have passed my test without your most wondrous council."

FLASHBACK

"Prithee, my lady...it fills me with no small amount of wonder that you have not asked me of my journey ere we met?" Anomen said.

"Shut up," Syrina replied.

End Flashback

Flashback

"How much do you know of my Order of the Most Radiant Heart?" Anomen asked.

"I don't give a damn," Syrina replied.

End Flashback

Flashback

"I understand that Gorion was very much like a father to you." Anomen began.

"Sure beat the heck out of Bhaal. Oh, by the way: shut up." Syrina replied.

End Flashback

Flashback

'I...I wish to apologize for so abruptly ending our conversation yesterday." Anomen began nervously.

"You and I obviously didn't have the same conversation. I finished it by telling you to shut up. Guess what? Shut up." Syrina replied.

End Flashback

Flashback

'Have I told you how I became a priest?' Anomen asked.

"Shut up." Syrina replied.

End Flashback.

Flashback

'My lady...I feel most terrible about my burst of temper the previous day." Anomen apologized.

 "… … … shut up." Syrina replied. Although now she looked a little confused instead of just ticked off.

End flashback

Flashback

 'My lady? Might I bend your ear for a moment?' Anomen inquired.

"No." Syrina replied.

End flashback

Flashback

"I have come to understand a few things of your past, and I have a question, if I might be permitted to pose it..." Anomen began.

"No." Syrina replied.

End flashback

 Flashback

"My lady, I have been pondering your situation for some time...this mater of your peculiar heritage...and I find myself filled with admiration and wonder for you, truly." Anomen's eyes were practically sparkling as he said this.

"Uhm… thanks. Have another drink." Syrina paid the bartender for another beer.

 End flashback

Flashback

"I...I am truly sorry, my lady." Anomen looked so totally sad and pathetic that Syrina almost didn't tell him to shut up.

"Shut up," she said.

Almost.

  End Flashback.

Flashback

'My Test is coming very soon, my lady. I will need to go to the headquarters of the Order and speak to Ryan Trawl." Anomen said assertively.

"Ah, heck. Why not. Let's go." Syrina replied.

End flashback

     Syrina scratched her head in confusion. "Where, pray tell, did you ever get the idea that I even so much as tolerated you?"

  "Why, your dear twin brothers Elfangor and Elysion told me that you have the hots for men of the ORDER!" Anomen declared.

Syrina glared at the other two-thirds of the triplets. "I hate you both," she assured them as they giggled together like teenage girls, "and your deaths will come later. And I will enjoy them. Oh," here Syrina looked at her unwanted beau, "and I hate you too. So no. Go away."

"My lady, you can't possibly mean-"

"I do. Die."

A dejected looking An-man shuffled away and back to the other two Bhaalspawn. "No go." He said sadly.

   Elfangor tapped his nose in thought. "I'll think of something, An-man. Don't worry."

"An-man could take Syrinininima to cave and beat with rock!" Koorgo the Mighty suggested brightly. "That's what Koorgo gon do to Ulga when Koorgo smash puny Irenicus man!"

  "Ulga no think so." Ulga the Barbarian said darkly.

"Then Koorgo no do," Koorgo surrendered sadly.

"My raven, my raven!" Haer'Dalis proclaimed proudly, waving around Keldorn's helmet, "I seem to have accumulated no less than two hundred gold by singing in the streets!"

  The party stared at him for a good, solid two minutes.

"Are you serious?" Syrina breathed, holding the main money bag for dear life.

"Aye, my raven! We may now fly on to rescue yon… yon… drat. Someone give me a name for a bird!" Haer'Dalis impatiently snapped his fingers.

"Uhm… hummingbird!"

"Taken by Mazzy," Haer'Dalis snapped back.

"Dodo bird?"

  "That's more of an Edwin, despite the fact that he isn't in the party," Haer'Dalis responded.

    At that moment, Jan Jansen and Edwin appeared with the party, despite not having been there two seconds early.

"Well, my turnips were getting a little bit moldy while I was waiting for you," Jan said. He then grinned broadly. "Reminds me of the time my uncle-"

"Quiet you obnoxious little gnome! I am here, thus you are perfectly expendable and therefore can leave at any time (although maybe I should leave, seeing as I'm perfectly superior to everyone present.)" Edwin said, of course, proudly.

Syrina sighed.

"I know!" Aerie shouted proudly, "Imoen can be a pidgeon!"

Haer'Dalis paused. "A pidgeon? I haven't… well, what do you know! I have yet to use pidgeon! My dove, thou art truly a genius! Yes, let us fly on to rescue yon pidgeon!"

And without further ado and after chaining and beating Nalia and Elfangor, they gave the $15,000 to Gaelen Bayle and were finally, FINALLY, ready to go save Imoen!


	16. Why am I here?

Obligatory Author's Note: Yeah, two updates in two days. What now.

                II: My computer hates me.

                III: Is it odd that I've become rather addicted to Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark fan fiction? Especially when the entire category has only 41 fics and about ten of them are HotU? To make it even worse, those ten are all at about chapter five and have been miraculously stopped? Yes, that's the kind of sadness I've been experiencing recently.

                IV: Yeah, I read my reviews, and the latest was a nice yell-at for making that chapter more or less filler material. I read it, glared at myself, and marched back to this computer, my lovely typing-on-errors-every-fifteen-seconds-gave-me-a-heartattack-by-erroring-in-the-middle-of-this-story-and-I-forgot-to-save-computer-but-thank-God-it-recovers-stories-sometimes computer. And, lo and behold, another update!

                V: I don't own the rights to Baldur's Gate II, and I would like to reestablish that I don't own a certain someone, who I would rather not own anyway. You'll understand.

Chapter Sixteen

                And thus the intrepid adventurers stood before Aran Linvail, Shadow Master of Athkatla.

                "I'm going to keep this simple," the master thief said, lying down on a table and getting a massage from a beautiful woman clad in silk lingerie, "Unfortunately for both of us, before I give you the location of your friend Imoen, I need to you to perform some errands for me.  I'm sure you've met or heard of Bodhi?"

                "Of course not!" Yoshimo said quickly, "Never before have I heard of this vampire."

                "Yeah, like Yoshimo said, we've never heard of this… vampire." Aerie echoed, suddenly looking confused.

                "Well, Bodhi's the leader of the opposing thieves' guild, and until Yoshimo's mini-declaration of guilt I didn't know she was a vampire. But seeing as all of her servants are, I guess I sort of assumed. Hey, elf! No stealing from me. I will have someone slice your throat, and I'll enjoy it too."

                "What are you talking about?" Elfangor asked innocently.

                "Oh please. I could recognize another thief with my eyes blindfolded and my ears cut off. Don't do anything stupid. Anyhow. According to my associate Mook, a strange man has been stalking her as of late. I need for you to defend her. Seeing as there's three hundred of you, I think you'll be safe. Meet her at the Docks after dark. Now go, it's time for my bath." And he waved them away.

                As they walked down the needlessly long passage back to the rest of the guildhall and then on towards the outside, most of them complained.

                "We spent $15,000 of MY MONEY on THAT?!" Elfangor roared, obviously still sore about the fact that he hadn't got to spend that $15,000 on whatever.

                "Imoen happens to be located in Spellhold, a place for magical and insane people.  She has already gone insane due to Irenicus' experiments, and Irenicus has now taken over the entire asylum. As it is, we will, for our $15,000, get a boat and get betrayed twice.  It's not exactly a fair trade, but we could also go to Bodhi, pay $15,000, and get a boat and get betrayed twice.  Which would you rather deal with?" Elysion asked him, sanely. He then glared at Boo. "No, I do not belong in Spellhold. Do not make me silence you, miniature giant space hamster."

                "Boo could take you," Minsc informed him.

"I for one am extremely angry to have to be working with THIEVES!" Anomen declared angrily,

"Syrina, if I were not aware of your noble cause, I would be most upset! I sincerely hope that we won't be continuing to debase ourselves by working with vile anti-Orderly things," Keldorn huffed.

"It's either this or the vampires, apparently. I wonder why," Syrina looked at her copy of the player's guide, "we never got approached by one of Bodhi's minions."

"Well, look at us," was all Jaheira had to say. The "I'm a druid!" that came next was just habit.

There was silence as the group looked at each other. "True," they all agreed in unison.

"No one who actually knew about us would want to hire us," Nalia admitted. "We are all kind of insane."

"Except for me," Edwin snuck in.

"Shut up, surfacer," Viconia snapped, punching Edwin in the face.

"FOUL DROW!" Keldorn roared, "I WILL KILL YOU!"

Viconia, this time, appeared confused. "You hated Edwin too."

Keldorn shrugged. "Good point. I've all ready threatened you. When Edwin comes to I'll try and kill him too. I'm a knight – I can't discriminate."

"Plus Aran was kinda cute," Syrina admitted. The girls of the group all nodded at that.

"I will kill Aran Linvail!" said a deep and dramatic voice, walking down the path the other way, "Because I am in love with BODHI!"

It was none other than Bhaalspawn Sellsword Abdel Adrian! The Amazing!  
                "Oh Abdel, it's okay that you don't love me alone!" Jaheira exclaimed, "I'm a druid, and I can heal your wounds! But that's all I can do!"

"I need to kill Aran, because… well… I need to!" Abdel proclaimed again. He then pushed his way past the group and continued his walk towards Aran's room.

"Hey!" Syrina yelled at him, "You better not kill him permanently, because we need him alive!"

Abdel stopped and looked at her thoughtfully. "But I'm Abdel," he said simply, as if that were a good enough justification.

"And I'm not." she replied.

"Ah. So it seems we have a problem. You **do** realize that everyone I encounter dies."

"Yeah, I may have known that. I read the book. Didn't like it, didn't really understand it, but I did read it."

"Right. So you know that I'll kill you. Whether I mean to or not is another matter."

"All she's saying is that we need Aran alive for a little while longer," Elfangor stepped in soothingly. "So if you could NOT kill him, uhm, yeah, that'd be great."

"How are you still alive?" Aerie asked plainly.

Silence.

"I'm Abdel."

"Ah. … no, actually, that doesn't explain anything."

"Do you want me to kill you, elf? You weren't even **in** my story. You're expendable."

"I'll be quiet," Aerie whispered, hiding behind Haer'Dalis. Not the best place to hide, but it was better than nothing.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE I ENCOUNTER DIE?!" Abdel cried, falling to his knees.

                There was a pause. "Let's get out of here before he starts threatening us again," Valygar suggested. They all agreed, and left the thieves' guildhall.

                Outside it was conveniently night, and they were approached by a mysterious woman. Ooga booga.

                The woman held up a hand to stop them as she caught her breath. "I (gasp) I'm here to (gasp, gasp) talk to you! My (cough) mistress-"

                "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know, Bodhi wants us to work for her, but she's creepy, so we're working for the Shadow Thieves." Syrina snapped.

                The woman looked like she was going to cry. "Darn it! I knew I shouldn't have just waited in one spot for you guys to show up! You guys SUCK! Now I'm gonna get it…" mumbling, the woman walked off.

                "Hey, I guess we **are** cool enough to get scouted by the evil vampire!" Minsc exclaimed. "Except that evil is evil, and therefore I'll put my good boot to its evil backside!"

                "Yes! Smite the vampire!" Mazzy cheered, "Smite it for all that is good and righteous!"

                "Indeed!" Anomen added. And, of course…

                "Smite the vampires for all that is good and righteous!" Keldorn finished. The Do Gooders of the group all stood there in a dramatic pose. The wind blew dramatically, and their respective platemail armors all gleamed in the moonlight. Dramatically, of course.

                Meanwhile, the rest of the group had just finished talking to Mook, who had explained about her mysterious nighttime stalker.

                "Gee, maybe it's, oh, I don't know, A VAMPIRE?" Yoshimo suggested.

                "One of your mistress's?" Edwin added.

                "Wow! One of you has been paying attention to my entire 'I'm going to betray you!' thing!" Yoshimo exclaimed delightedly.

                "This is a spoiler-hater's worst nightmare," Jan observed astutely. "And I would like to make a complaint, if I could."

                "Sure, why not? You have yet to really, really make me mad," Syrina replied.

                "Well, as it is, the author of this story has never taken me around as a character. Therefore, my dialogue is going to be horribly uninspired, if it even occurs at all." Jan began, "Even she knows that one of my main character qualities, in the same stream as Jaheira being a druid, Korgan being an evil dwarf, Aerie being a pansy, and Haer'Dalis dying a lot, is that I tend to tell lengthy and inane stories about my family and turnips, which do tend to amuse people, although for the most part they're not sure why. But the author of this particular fan fiction, although she acknowledges that for the most part the dialogue of this entire **story** is uninspired, also acknowledges that my dialogue will be particularly brief and entirely consisting of one-liners. Seeing as my entire character is centered around never actually, in fact, shutting up, I think that we may have a problem that can only be fixed by the author gaining a disturbing love of me and playing the game again, being sure that I'm around at all times. Because other than that, it seems as if I'm not going to be in character at all for the rest of the story."

                "You seem pretty okay to me,"

                "Oh, really? That's just grand. Reminds me of the time that my aunt on the Jansen side, I just called her Aunt Jane, went on an adventure of her own when the bard writing the story was, in fact, a bugbear. Well, generally speaking, bugbears aren't the most loquacious of creatures, when my aunt really was.  So Aunt Jane bought the bugbear's book after that particular adventure was done – my aunt always seemed to be going on some adventure or another – and she wasn't even mentioned. Needless to say, her next adventure was hunting down and shoving turnips down the bugbear's throat."

                "Well, that entire story had two out of two of the criteria of a Jan Jansen speech," Haer'Dalis observed, "Turnips, and a relative of yours."

                "Wait, Jane Janeson? Oh, c'mon, that's lame." Elfangor whined.

                "Meet George Janeson. That's even lamer." Jan replied. "The worst part is that it only makes sense if you pronounce it 'Jan-son' instead of 'Yan-son.'" He seemed eager to continue with a story about George's daughter Judy, but Mook getting eaten by her mysterious vampire stalker put a damper on the whole situation.

                "Wow, we sure helped Mook out," Viconia deadpanned. "A lot. We'll be able to sleep tonight. Oh yes."

                "Fine then Viconia, you kill the vampire," Syrina ordered her. Viconia, while filing her nails, cast a Sunray spell and the vampire floated away as a cloud, cursing them the entire time.

                "Well, that wasn't so bad," Aerie said nervously.

                "And what wasn't bad about it?!" Jaheira snapped. "I'm a druid."

                Aerie stammered something unintelligible and went to, once again, hide behind Haer'Dalis.

                "My raven!" said he grandly, "My raven, this sparrow has just thought of something!"

                "What?" Syrina asked. Truthfully, she didn't mind being called a raven. It was less annoying than most of the things that her party members did.

                "I didn't die in the last chapter!"

                Gasps went around.

                Finally Elfangor, eager to crush his "competition's" self esteem, answered, "Last chapter pretty much doesn't count as a chapter. It was more like filler material."

                "But it got a complaint," the bard pointed out, "a complaint about how short it was, granted, but a complaint dedicated to it none the less. Meaning that it was, indeed, its own chapter."

                "What, do you want a cookie or something?" Elfangor retorted, sounding a bit miffed. He enjoyed it when Haer'Dalis died.

                "Yes."

                "Well… too bad!"

                The group passed Mazzy, Keldorn, Anomen, and Minsc, who were still dramatically posing. Boo rather violently slashed Minsc on the face, and the four left the picturesque moment to go follow their comrades. 

                                                This Fanfiction Presents, a little bit of the Future:

                                                                _Moments with Mephistopheles_

                Mephistopheles, ruler of the eight layer of Hell, Cania, the frozen wastelands, sat in the Hall of the Most Radiant Heart.

                "Why am I here?" the big demon asked aloud. "What purpose do I serve? Why do I even exist? What is the purpose of existence, anyway? Do we even exist? Or are we, in fact, nonexistent and things like dodo birds and dinosaurs are walking around **right now**?"

                Squire Melvin, on janitor duty again, flipped on the light in Mephistopheles' room. "Quiet, you, or I won't scrub your latrine tomorrow."

                "Well, can't have that now, can we? Melvin, what is the meaning of life?"

"Clean toilets and even cleaner floors! Hi-ya!" and Melvin returned to janitor-izing.

Mephistopheles sighed.  He should write a book.  None of these paladins could possibly understand the angst that comes with being a duke of Hell.  

                "Ryan!" Mephistopheles roared, loud enough to wake the paladin, who came to the door.

                "**Sir **Ryan!" he barked.

                "Er, 'Sir Ryan,' would it be so terrible if I could have some milk and cookies?"

                "Oh, Mephistopheles, we've had this discussion before. No chocolate after midnight."

                "But, Sir Ryan, I have these cravings. I **need** chocolate, or I will go insane! Oh, you don't understand me! You don't know me!"

                No one understood him.

                "Sorry, you sexy beast, but Mook died." Syrina said with a shrug.

                Aran shooed the masseuse, sitting up in his hot tub. "Well, that's not very good. You guys failed. Sorry, but we can't help you guys get Imoen back. No refunds, either."

                "WHAT?!" Elfangor had been fine until "no refunds."

                "Just joking. And sorry babe, but I've got a girlfriend, **technically**. But that'll change once she goes home for the night," the thief master winked at her, and she swooned.

                Anomen glared at her. "What?" she protested, "If the main protagonist were a man, he'd get to sleep with Phaere. Why don't I get the option of, oh, sleeping with Aran?"

                "Because what we have is true love!" Anomen protested.

                "Shove it."

                "Sir, there appears to be a man sobbing in the hallway," a thief informed Aran.

                "Oh, I know," the Shadow Master replied nonchalantly, beginning to shampoo his hair with stuff that cost $50 per bottle despite not being anything spectacular. "I knew he was there the moment he stepped into the city. I'm just that good. Anyhow. I need you guys to go hunt down some traitors at the Five Flagons and find out the location of this cult."

                "Gee, I wonder where all of the VAMPIRES would be!" Mazzy exclaimed.

                "Can't we just go kill Bodhi?" Haer'Dalis suggested, agreeing with Mazzy, "We pretty much known yon creepy vampire must have her home somewhere in the graveyard."

                Aran shrugged again, rinsing out his hair. "Sure. You can just kill the traitors when you find them in her lair.  Whatever. It's all good."

                "Actually," Elysion interjected, "the traitors are more likely to be sent to Irenicus in Spellhold, where he will kill all of them at once, using a ritual to then force Syrina's soul from her and into himself, removing a curse placed upon him by the elven queen of Suldanessalar, Ellesime."

                "… well, thank you, Captain Spoiler," Syrina said nervously.

                "I guess you should all be going," Aran said, grabbing his towel. "Hey, Syrina, call me sometime."

                Syrina grinned stupidly as they all left the lair, walking by Abdel, who was still ranting about how everyone he loves dies. Ah, silly Abdel.

                Standing in the graveyard district, the group stared at the catacombs.

                Almost instantly the Righteous Four took steps forward and proclaimed together, "We will kill the vampires in the name of goodness!"

                "And butt kicking!" Minsc added.

                "Squeak squeak!" Boo finished.

                Next chapter… Bodhi's lair! (dum dum DUM!)

                Will Abdel get over his angst? How about Mephistopheles? How many times can I type Mephistopheles without thinking of a way to find a nickname out of that? Can our heroes figure out how to kill a vampire? And I promise that I don't own, nor would I want to own, Abdel.

                There, is that a bit better?


	17. AAAAAAHHH! VAMPIRES!

Author's Note: Well, as it is, we went on vacation, got a puppy, and lately I've been sick, so yeah. Hi! Chapter! Read, review, and, of course, enjoy! You all get a smiley face cookie for reading this and not suing me. 3

Chapter Seventeen:

Lord Jierden Firkraag, lord of his own keep, sat in his musty old cave.

"Wizard," he said, forgetting the name of his pet wizard (it wasn't important, anyway) "has Gorion's Ward come yet?"

"No," the wizard replied.

"Why not?"

"Well, maybe because she... well... doesn't want to?"

"But why not? It's a perfect trap. I offer her wealth, she comes here and gets eaten by me."

"I don't think she really cares. Gorion's ward... she's... well, kind of crazy, by all reports. She's fond of two-handed broadswords, and the only mage spells she's bothered to learn are Fireball and... Fireball."

"So you don't think wealth would work on her?"

"No, sir, not really."

"How about one of Gorion's other wards?"

"Well, the one would probably come here and just steal it from you. The other would try to remove your brain."

"Interesting. Are they here yet?"

"No sir."

"... yet?"

"No, sir."

"... y-"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I just told you that, sir. None of them care."

"Why not?"

"Sir... I'm not a ward of Gorion. I don't know exactly why they think the way they do. They just **do**, sir."

"What about that Nalia girl? Seeing as I now pretty much own her entire wealth, except for her keep which is owned by the dead god Amaunator, you'd think that she'd come here trying to get it back."

"Sir, she likes being poor. She's creepy."

"Oh. Drat. Well, how am I going to get them all here?!"

"Sir... I don't think you are."

"Drat. Well, are they here yet?"

"(sigh) No sir."

"Well, why not?!"

* * *

"Me book!" Korgan exclaimed suddenly, startling the rest of the extremely tense group. They were all in the catacombs, searching for vampires and spiders, the likes of which were both abundant in the catacombs. "We be bein' in the graveyard! Me book be bein' here too!"

Before he could be properly shut down, Edwin chimed in, "Yes, the Nether Scrolls are down here as well! I can collect them, and obtain ultimate power the likes of which you monkeys will not be able to comprehend (as if you could comprehend my current power.)"

Surprising the rest of the party, Syrina pulled out her copy of the player's guide. She skimmed both quests before looking at Korgan, saying, "No," then looking at Edwin and smiling sweetly. "Go ahead, Edwin. Take Aerie, Nalia, Elysion, and Jan with you. Have fun. Find those Nether Scrolls!"

Looking over her shoulder, Elfangor read what would happen to Edwin, and grinned maniacally.

That should have clued in the self-proclaimed world's most powerful mage, but he wasn't, in fact, very bright. "I will!" he proclaimed, "Come, my mageling monkeys!" Under most normal circumstances, Elysion (who was, in fact, much, much more powerful than Edwin) would have been offended, but in this case he was rather amused as the mages walked off to go find Edwin's Nether Scrolls.

The rest of the party continued walking to find the vampires.

"My flock! I have an important announcement to make! I, Haer'dalis, Bard of Sigil, have not died within the last two chapters!" He proclaimed, his arms wide. He let out a melodious laugh.

"Sorry to burst thy bubble, bard," Keldorn said, "but none of the rest of the us have died at all."

"Not the point, my condor. The point is that I have not – AAAAHHH! A VAMPIRE! IT'S DRINKING MY BLOOD!"

A pack of blood-thirsty (literally) vampires pounced upon the unsuspecting bard, ripping his tender, pale flesh with their crimson-stained fangs, and sinking their long nails into him. The bard screamed in agony, desperately trying to fight off the carnivorous horde that was eating him. By the time the vampires were through with him, he was ripped to shreds and thoroughly drained dry.

"Well, we have Viconia, Anomen, and Keldorn, all of whom are experts at slaying evil. Take out the undead!"

The two priests and the paladin, working as a team, easily dispatched the bloodsuckers. Small clouds leapt from their disintegrating bodies and floated away. Syrina, Elfangor, Minsc, and Anomen raced after them, stopping only to destroy anything wooden to make for stakes.

Meanwhile, Keldorn, Jaheira, Viconia, Haer'Dalis, Valygar, Mazzy, Yoshimo and Korgan went the opposite direction, and came upon a large chamber with spikes on the floor.

"Aye, the spikes can't hurt me! I be an evil --- arrgghh! I just got speared through me foot! I be too injured to continue! I better go... LOOK FOR ME BOOK!" and with that Korgan ran off, laughing gleefully.

"Evil dwarf," Mazzy spat, "leaving us upon his first opportunity! Come, my comrades! Let us go-"

"Hey now," Keldorn interrupted, "as the group's eldest, wisest, and only paladin member, it's **my** job to make dramatic speeches designed to rouse the rest of the rag-tag group to action, not yours."

Mazzy stamped her foot. "Then what is **my** purpose in this group?!"

"Yours," Valygar supplied, "is to make everyone smile as we walk by them, because you're short."

"And you suck," the would-be paladin growled, walking off to go sit in the corner.

"Aw, she's so cute, because she's a HALFLING!" Yoshimo gushed.

"Well, there's one, two, three, four, five, six of us now," Jaheira counted, "so we should be able to take on anything that comes our way."

"Shar be praised! We are the size of a regular party now!" Viconia pointed out.

"That means... we might not win!" Yoshimo whispered, "The only reason us idiots have **been** winning is because there's been so many of us!"

"What do we do?" Haer'Dalis whispered, obviously scared. You would be, too, if even WITH the addition of a huge group you died at least once per chapter.

* * *

Elsewhere, Anomen finished staking the last of the vampires, saying a prayer to Helm for their salvation. No longer having to be a dutiful priest, he immediately returned to "overly-amorous mode." "SYRINA, MY LADY LOVE!" he proclaimed boisterously (Syrina, meanwhile, hit her head with her palm.) "Have you ever DONE IT IN A CATACOMB, SURROUNDED BY VAMPIRES?!"

"... no. And-"

"THEN LET'S!" He made a move to tackle her, and she slugged him. The priest fell to the ground, out cold.

"Glass jaw," Syrina commented.

And that was when Elfangor hid behind his nutcase sister, pointing down a hall, where Anomen's antics had attracted no less than five vampires.

"Can we take them?" Syrina asked, a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

"Boo thinks so," Minsc said, his giant broadsword at the ready.

Elfangor nodded dramatically. "Right. You two tough fighters can take all five of them on, while I hide in the shadows in the other room, shouting encouragements to try and revive Anomen." Before any objections could be made, Elfangor bolted to go looting Bodhi's lair.

* * *

"My feet are just aching! Can we rest now, pleeeeaaaase?" Aerie whined.

"Silence, elf! You may not rest until my Nether scrolls have been recovered!" Edwin shrieked. "And we will find them!"

"They're that way," Elysion said disinterestedly, pointing towards the south of the giant chamber they were in. "However, there are various deadly traps in here, and once you reach a certain point all of the walls on the sides will open up and hordes of undead will spew forth from them. One particularly large mummy will rip your head off."

Edwin blanched.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH! I BE AN EVIL DWAAAAAARRRRF!" With that battle cry, Korgan burst into the chambers, knocking over Nalia in his rush, and triggering every trap in the room. The undead burst out of their rooms, and attacked the evil dwarf, but he swung his ax in a 360 arc, effectively killing, or re-killing, all of them.

Edwin laughed arrogantly. "Stupid elven excuse for a mage! You predicted my death, but you have failed! FAILED!"

A particularly large mummy came up from behind and ripped his head off. Elysion quickly killed it with a fireball spell, then smirked as he picked Edwin's head off the floor. "I'm never wrong," he said proudly.

"Stuff it," Edwin's head replied.

Aerie screamed.

"Well, well, well, if this isn't interesting," Jan began.

"No! NO! NO! DO NOT LET THAT GNOME START TALKING! HE WILL NEVER STOP!" Edwin shrieked.

"You don't seem to be in a position to do much of anything," Nalia informed him.

Edwin spat at her. Missed, of course, but he tried.

"I could fix him," Aerie said, her voice shaking.

Elysion held up Edwin's head at eye-level. "Hmmm. I don't know if he deserves that or not."

"Since when did you become the mean one?" Edwin asked, glaring at him.

"Since I realized that removing your brain is much easier with your head removed from your body."

"Drat."

* * *

Minsc and Syrina made quick work of the vampires, despite being pretty much outclassed in everything. Syrina attributed it to their obvious skills, while Minsc credited the victory to Boo. It goes without saying, of course, that Minsc was right.

Covered in blood and bits of vampire, the two walked back to the coffin room, where Anomen was just recovering. Upon seeing them, he fainted again.

Elfangor gave both of them a thumbs-up, carrying a couple of shopping bags. "You guys should see the money this vampire chick has! It's crazy!"

"It's also mine!"

Bodhi appeared in their midst. She had intended on exchanging what she thought was witty banter with Syrina, but she was pissed that all of her money had been stolen.

Elfangor tried to look innocent. "What's yours?"

"The money!"

"What money?"

"The money that's in your hand!"

"Which hand?"

"The one behind your back!"

"Which back!"

"Your back!"

"Whose back?"

"They're back!" Minsc proclaimed.

"What?" Bohdi looked confused.

"He meant them," Syrina translated, pointing at the rest of the vampire-hunters, having just returned from killing vampires. Absent was Korgan (who was off discovering that his book wasn't where it was supposed to be) and Mazzy (who was still sulking.)

Haer'Dalis shook his head to clear out the stuffiness of being beaten so horribly by vampires. Unfortunately for him, this exposed his throat to Bodhi. Filled then with a vicious, animalistic hunger the likes of which no human mind could comprehend, she snarled like a rabid wolf and leapt upon him, sinking her razor-sharp fangs into his jugular and drinking deep, slowly draining the life from him. He flailed helplessly in her vice-like death grip, but to no avail. The doomed bard took twenty long minutes to finally fade from the world, each one seeming as an eternity of torment. Finally, Bodhi released him, and consumed his mortal soul, transforming him into her foul vampiric spawn.

"I think I'm finally getting used to that," Mazzy commented, coming over just in time.

"So, Syrina, I hear that you've allied yourself with the Shadow Thieves to find Irenicus. Interesting. You won't find him, because I don't want you to, and I'm a VAMPIRE!"

"I'm a druid!"

Syrina grabbed Bodhi by the neck, slamming her into the wall. "WHERE. IS. IRENICUS?"

The group took a step back. "Woah."

Bodhi turned into mists and ran away.

Silence.

"Was I too mean?" Syrina asked.

"Yeah. You are."

* * *

Edwin looked at the Netherscroll, which was kindly held in front of him by Nalia. He was kinda chanting, even as Aerie was reattaching his body back to his head. Or his head back to his body. Whatever.

A full Edwin began laughing. "I HAVE TRANSLATED THE NETHER SCROLL!"

"You're cute," Jan commented.

"... what?"

Edwina was born.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

* * *

Abdel was walking around the Shadow Thieves lair aimlessly, mourning himself. Damn, he sucked.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE I ENCOUNTER DIE?!"

He wandered around Athkatla, crying and wandering. Before he knew it, he wasn't passing thieves or peasants, he was passing paladins. He wasn't really sure where he was, nor did he really care. He was sad. He was very, very sad.

He opened a door, because it was in his way.

"**What is this?! Someone has stumbled in upon me! NO! NO ONE MUST KNOW THAT I HAVE STOLEN COOKIES FROM THIS COOKIE JAR PAST MIDNIGHT! PERISH, MANLING!**" The Archdevil Mephistopheles, Duke of the Eight Level of Hell, threw hellish pit fires at poor Adbel, who burst into flames.

"NOOOOOOOOO! JAHEIRA, I NEED HEALING!"

But Jaheira didn't hear him. No one heard him. Except for Mephistopheles, who laughed. Because he's evil.

Sir Ryan Trawl stealthily opened the door to the kitchen. "Mephistopheles!" he scolded, "It's after midnight! You can't have chocolate after midnight – it has too much caffeine! You won't sleep!"

"Sorry, Sir Ryan."

"There there, it's all right. Now be a good boy and go back to bed."

"Okay."

"OH, GOD, I'M BURNING AND DYING LIKE ALL MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES! OH, THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!"

"Could you keep it down? We're trying to sleep." And with that, Sir Ryan turned off the lights and went back to bed.


End file.
